This is a really spectacular post.
One quibble: in the case being discussed, one variable is actually a property of the other variable, rather than another thing that is affected by something else.
Is it really appropriate to say that A causes B when B is just a property of A?
I was thinking this as well, but you could construct a situation that doesn't have this problem - like a mechanical system that relies on the derivative to perform some action deterministically.
It is a commonplace that correlation does not imply causality, however eyebrow-wagglingly suggestive it may be of causal hypotheses. It is less commonly noted that causality does not imply correlation either. It is quite possible for two variables to have zero correlation, and yet for one of them to be completely determined by the other.