Kaj_Sotala comments on The Twin Webs of Knowledge - Less Wrong
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Thank you, that's valuable advice. (Funnily enough, I originally thought that one of the problems may had been in the fact that it was too short to make an impact.)
So in your opinion, it'd have been better if it'd been something like this:
...hum. It still needs some work, but you are right - it does seem better.