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Matt_Simpson comments on Levels of communication - Less Wrong
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blinks
So thats why I always end up in arguments over trivial things with my girlfriend.
So, uh, if you didn't know already, don't worry about 100% accurately identifying what happened that made your girlfriend angry. Even if you did absolutely nothing wrong. She doesn't care about the facts, she's operating on another level...
Note: does not apply to all girl/boyfriends.
Agreed, emphatically. Few things annoy me more than people assuming that I'm like the stereotypical female in that way.
I think it's fair to say that in general, human beings, male or female, frequently get in arguments about little things when the argument is actually about something bigger. If I'm upset about something major, I'll put that emotional state onto minor details that otherwise wouldn't bother me. I don't know that it's "stereotypical female" as much as "human with emotions".
People vary.
In my case, I'm usually very good at noticing when my emotional reaction to one situation is affecting my reaction to another situation, and I'll admit that that's the case. That's generally not a problem. What is a problem is when someone refuses to believe that something that they've done has actually crossed a line, because 'I must be having a bad day' or 'I'm just oversensitive'.
Note that my point isn't that one gender is less prone to that kind of confusion than the other. My point is that women are stereotyped as being more prone to it, which means that people are more likely to use that reasoning to ignore womens' communications than they are to use it to ignore mens', and I really don't like having my communications ignored or discounted.
I agree completely with your last paragraph.
As far as someone refusing to believe they've crossed a line, that's very dependent on their expectations about people's boundaries in general, and yours in particular. They may be used to people who have completely different boundaries, and who genuinely only react to some line-crossing behavior when they are having a bad day. And a lot of the time, when people have a bad day, they aren't good at realizing that: in my experience, most people are horrible at knowing what they're really upset about, and at telling when their boundaries shift due to their mood.
Is it that she doesn't care about the facts or that she cares about a different set of facts than the one she is explicitly stating?
You ever try dissolving the question?