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Relsqui comments on Ugh fields - Less Wrong

153 [deleted] 12 April 2010 05:06PM

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Comment author: Relsqui 16 September 2010 03:33:58AM 12 points [-]

I have ugh fields about people.

That fact makes me really sad. I was aware of having formed some negative associations, and of shying away from certain social situations, but what you're describing pretty well matches what's going on: I've had unpleasant experiences with a given person in the past, leading to some evasion, which kept us a little bit distant, probably leading to more awkwardness ... and at this point, I almost literally flinch at the person's name. When it comes up in conversation with someone else, I feel unhappy, regardless of the context.

And we don't even dislike each other! We're actually pretty similar, we have good friends in common, and I think we'd get along pretty well if it weren't for the above. We've had some good times together.

I've tried to address this directly by making a point of spending time with the person and noticing that it's usually fine. But every once in a while it isn't, and then I retreat again. This suggests to me that it won't work until I address what causes the occasional discomfort, which I've also tried to do, so far without success. I wonder what to do next.

Comment author: Voltairina 08 March 2012 06:35:45PM 3 points [-]

I have a similar thing with a friend. Only, in my situation, I'm paranoid that they're the flinchee, and it makes me avoid them because I don't want to make them uncomfortable. But I'm also not sure how to be less awkward, or whether they want to connect more at all. I feel as though I bore them, a bit, too.

Comment author: Jakeness 02 November 2012 11:57:42PM 1 point [-]

I used to feel exactly the same way you described, but towards everyone apart from very close friends and immediate family members. It's a horrible feeling, and a definite social handicap. At some point, I simply stopped caring and began to act myself around everyone. If they feel uncomfortable, then they can find a way to deal with it. If I am boring them, they are probably boring me as well, so I do not see why it should be up to me to resolve the issue. It does not benefit me in any way to hobble my personality to be "less awkward," and in most cases I feel that doing so will only make the situation worse.