abigailgem,

I'm not sure that your goal was irrational. You say that it had certain disadvantages (e.g. not being able to reproduce, being seen as a weirdo, being difficult...). You also say that it was the most important thing in your life.

Even though that calculation is probably very emotionally complex, it seems like your decision was the rational one, if those were indeed the pros and cons.

And I agree with you that we cannot always rationally choose goals. Some of our goals (even including rational goals such as truth-seeking) are hardwired by evolution, prenatal development, or formative experiences and are difficult to change.

For example, I have a major sweet tooth. This pushes me towards a goal of eating lots of sugar, which is not a predisposition that I would necessarily choose (at least, not so strongly), if I had a choice over what food my body likes.