Comment on The Fundamental Question

Thu, 22 Apr 2010 15:18:19 GMT

In my case, I knew pretty much from the beginning that something was seriously wrong. But since every single person I had ever met was a christian (with a couple of exceptions I didn't realize until later), I assumed that the problem was with me. The most obvious problem, at least for me, was that none of the so-called christians was able to clearly explain what a christian is, and what it is that I need to do in order to not go to hell. And the people who came closest to being able to give a clear explanation, they were all different from each other, and the answer changed if I asked different questions. So I guess I was... partly brainwashed. I knew that there was something really important I was supposed to do, and that people's souls were at stake (a matter of infinite utility/anti-utility!) but noone was able to clearly explain what it was that I was supposed to do. But they expected me to do it anyway, and made it sound like there was something wrong with me for not instinctively knowing what it was that I was supposed to do. There's lots more I could complain about, but I guess I had better stop now.

So it was pretty obvious that I wasn't going to be able to save anyone's soul by converting them to christianity by talking to them. And I was also similarly unqualified for most of the other things that christians are supposed to do. But there was still one thing I saw that I could do: living as cheaply as possible, and donating as much money as possible to the church so that the people who claim to actually know what they're doing can just get on with doing it. And just being generally helpful when there was some simple everyday thing I could be helpful with.

Anyway, it wasn't until I went to university that I actually met any atheists who openly admitted to being atheists. Before then, I had heard that there was such a thing as an atheist, and that these were the people whose souls we were supposed to save by converting them to christianity, but Pascal's Wager prevented me from seriously considering becoming an atheist myself. Even if you assign a really tiny probability to christianity being true, converting to atheism seemed like an action with an expected utility of negative infinity. But then I overheard a conversation in the Computer Science students' lounge. That-guy-who-isn't-all-that-smart-but-likes-to-sound-smart-by-quoting-really-smart-people was quoting Eliezer Yudkowsky. Almost immediately after that conversation, I googled the things he was talking about. I discovered Singularitarianism. An atheistic belief system, based entirely on a rational, scientific worldview, to which Pascal's Wager could be applied. (there is an unknown probability that this universe can support an infinite amount of computation, therefore there is an unknown probability that actions can have infinite positive or negative utility.) I immediately realized that I wanted to convert to this belief system. But it took me a few weeks of swinging back and forth before I finally settled on Singularitarianism. And since then I haven't had any desire at all to switch back to christianity. Though I was afraid that, because of my inability to stand up to authority figures, someone might end up convincing me to convert back to christianity against my will. Even now, years later, there are scary situations, when dealing with an authority figure who is a christian, part of me still sometimes thinks "OMG maybe I really was wrong about all this!"

Anyway, I'm still noticing bad habits from christianity that I'm still doing, and I'm still working on fixing this. Also, I might be oversensitive to noticing things that are similar between christianity and Singularitarianism. For example, the expected utility of "converting" someone to Singularitarianism. Though in this case you're not guaranteeing that one soul is saved, you're slightly increasing the probability that everyone gets "saved", because there is now one more person helping the efforts to help us achieve a positive Singularity.

Oh, and now, after reading LW, I realize what's wrong with Pascal's Wager, and even if I found out for certain that this universe isn't capable of supporting an infinite amount of computation, I still wouldn't be tempted to convert back to christianity.

Random trivia: I sometimes have dreams where a demon, or some entirely natural thing that for some reason is trying to look like a demon, is trying to trick or scare me into converting back to christianity. And then I discover that the "demon" was somehow sent by someone I know, and end up not falling for it. I find this amusingly ironic.

As usual, there's lots more I could write about, but I guess I had better stop writing for now.

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