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WrongBot comments on Do you have High-Functioning Asperger's Syndrome? - Less Wrong
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AS is innate but very little in the human brain is unchangeable. If you spend enough time playing the the violin you can reliably and permanently alter the amount of the brain that is dedicated to fine motor control of the fingertips. The same applies to social processing. Paraphrasing Tony Attwood here, and emphasizing that this doesn't apply to everyone, many intelligent people with Aspergers' find that they can develop all the 'normal' social behaviors over time. He estimates that in a typical such case the development is just pushed back to 10 years behind what it would be for a neurotypical individual of the same intelligence. Note that the 10 year figure is the same figure given by experts on expertise. You can become an expert in anything with 10 years of practice. Including acting 'normal'.
Obviously there are more serious difficulties that can come with AS and not all of these are overcome by training.
The diagnosis mentality infuriates a lot of people, particularly those with 'conditions' that are on the borderline of being a 'personality trait', such as ADHD and high functioning AS. This can disempower the individuals, limiting their ability to make the most of their personal strengths and weaknesses. Yet it can be even more damaging to ignore the difference. The difference in thinking and brain function is real. Trying to force people to adapt and learn how to be a 'normal' person is often a recipe for shame and mediocrity. The key in this case and in life in general is to acknowledge your strengths, weaknesses and preferences fully while also being able to change and adapt them as necessary. Often that means embracing the label 'AS' in order to benefit from all the research and experiences of others who happen to be similar.
"Have you tried not being a mutant?" - Iceman's Mom.
My experience agrees with your 10-year figure for "acting normal." I probably became aware of my own social incompetence when I was ~6 years old, and I didn't acquire consistent social competence until I was ~16. I'm 22 now and seem to be entirely caught up on social functioning, but it was not an easy process. I likewise agree that the AS label is very useful for finding existing solutions to the problems associated with the condition; I wasn't diagnosed until I was 13 and I suspect parts of my life would have been much easier if I'd had access to books about social interaction aimed specifically at Aspies when I was very young.
I tend to hover on the fringe of accepting the AS label myself, the only reason I don't is that one there is some doubt as to which precise way I am not NT. (One AS diagnosis but other experts suggested different descriptions). I can say that I envy you in getting a diagnosis as young as 13. Having access to those books even in your early teens must have been a huge boon.
Miscommunication on my part -- at no point have I had access to books of that sort, nor am I sure that they even exist (and there's little use in looking now). I just meant to say that they would have been really useful.
Really the thing that ended up helping me most was having regular sessions with a shrink who could answer my bizarre questions about social activity with answers that didn't rely on common assumptions. That basically allowed me to form and test theories about how NT people worked without suffering negative consequences for being wrong.
Ahh, I see.
The time with the shrink sounds useful. That sort of personal engagement with a (good) shrink is helpful for everyone and so much more so for those for whom the advice of well meaning associates give is usually completely incomprehensible! What is this 'appropriate' term? What do people mean when they say 'respect'? It's sure as heck not what 'respect' resolves as to me with my neurological wiring! 'Self esteem'? 'Needy?' "What do you mean tit-for-tat is not the right strategy for social games? That's crazy!"
Are you thinking you should defect first? Or that you should punish defectors more than tit-for-tat would? Social games aren't as clearly defined as the prisoner's dilemma, but tit-for-tat seems to be what people usually do (starting off on good terms, but getting back at someone when they've been wronged).
Young Aspies are often dumbfounded when they reciprocate aggression in kind and get punished for it while the instigator does not. They need to arrive at a more mature understanding of the Machiavellian nature of social games so that they can more realistically understand what is going on. This is the sort of thing a shrink can explain but many peers will not.