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torekp comments on Another way to look at consciousness - Less Wrong
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Comments (18)
Janet, I don't know if you're just nervous, or rushed, or what, but the writing quality of your comments is a lot better than the writing quality of this article. In your comments, you number your points, you use a grammatically active voice, and you say what you mean.
In this article, you have long paragraphs, some of which don't have any kind of transition from one to the next. You preface most of your points with disclaimers and generalities, and you use a lot of passive voice.
I suggest you rewrite this article, paying a little more attention to style! You might have something really cool to say here; I just can't tell because it's so hard to read.
For whatever it's worth, I'm not voting your article up or down yet.
I'd suggest adding a few comparisons to others' writings on the subject. For example, your discussion of "attention focus" leaves me puzzled, but if you compared your views on the subject to those of Crick and Koch I could probably get it. On other points, perhaps you could link to some posts on Less Wrong that readers might be familiar with. For example, if there is a particular hypothesis of Academician's that supports, or receives support from, one of your points, mention that.