WrongBot comments on Open Thread: July 2010 - Less Wrong

6 Post author: komponisto 01 July 2010 09:20PM

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Comment author: Will_Newsome 09 July 2010 01:52:40AM 2 points [-]

So, probably like most everyone else here, I sometimes get complaints (mostly from my ex-girlfriend, you can always count on them to point out your flaws) that I'm too logical and rational and emotionless and I can't connect with people or understand them et cetera. Now, it's not like I'm actually particularly bad at these things for being as nerdy as I am, and my ex is a rather biased source of information, but it's true that I have a hard time coming across as... I suppose the adjective would be 'warm', or 'human'. I've attributed a lot of this to a) my always-seeking-outside-confirmation-of-competence-style narcissism, b) my overly precise (for most people, not here) speech patterns. (For instance, when my ex said I suck at understanding people, I asked "Why do you believe that?" instead of the simpler and less clinical-psychologist-sounding "How so?" or "How?" or what not.) and c) accidentally randomly bringing up terms like 'a priori' which apparently most people haven't heard. I think there's more low hanging fruit here, though. Tsuyoku naritai!

Has anyone else tackled these problems? It's not that I lack charisma - I've managed to pull off that insane/passionate/brilliant thing among my friends - but I do seem to lack the ability to really connect with people - even people I really care about. Do Less Wrongers experience similar problems? Any advice? Or meta-advice about how to learn hard-to-describe dispositions? I've noticed that consciously acting like I was Regina Spektor in one situation or Richard Feynman in another seems to help, for instance.

Comment author: WrongBot 09 July 2010 02:08:32AM 6 points [-]

"Fake it until you make it" is surprisingly good advice for this sort of thing. I had moderate self-esteem issues in my freshman year of college, so I consciously decided to pretend that I had very high self-esteem in every interaction I had outside of class. This may be one of those tricks that doesn't work for most people, but I found that using a song lyric (from a song I liked) as a mantra to recall my desired state of mind was incredibly helpful, and got into the habit of listening to that particular song before heading out to meet friends. (The National's "All The Wine" in this particular case. "I am a festival" was the mantra I used.)

That's in the same class of thing as acting like Regina Spektor or Feynman; if you act in a certain way consistently enough, your brain will learn that pattern and it will begin to feel more natural and less conscious. I don't worry about my self-esteem any more (in that direction, at least).