SarahC comments on Open Thread: July 2010 - Less Wrong

6 Post author: komponisto 01 July 2010 09:20PM

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Comment author: Will_Newsome 09 July 2010 01:52:40AM 2 points [-]

So, probably like most everyone else here, I sometimes get complaints (mostly from my ex-girlfriend, you can always count on them to point out your flaws) that I'm too logical and rational and emotionless and I can't connect with people or understand them et cetera. Now, it's not like I'm actually particularly bad at these things for being as nerdy as I am, and my ex is a rather biased source of information, but it's true that I have a hard time coming across as... I suppose the adjective would be 'warm', or 'human'. I've attributed a lot of this to a) my always-seeking-outside-confirmation-of-competence-style narcissism, b) my overly precise (for most people, not here) speech patterns. (For instance, when my ex said I suck at understanding people, I asked "Why do you believe that?" instead of the simpler and less clinical-psychologist-sounding "How so?" or "How?" or what not.) and c) accidentally randomly bringing up terms like 'a priori' which apparently most people haven't heard. I think there's more low hanging fruit here, though. Tsuyoku naritai!

Has anyone else tackled these problems? It's not that I lack charisma - I've managed to pull off that insane/passionate/brilliant thing among my friends - but I do seem to lack the ability to really connect with people - even people I really care about. Do Less Wrongers experience similar problems? Any advice? Or meta-advice about how to learn hard-to-describe dispositions? I've noticed that consciously acting like I was Regina Spektor in one situation or Richard Feynman in another seems to help, for instance.

Comment author: [deleted] 10 July 2010 04:48:30PM 3 points [-]

I think most people here have some sort of similar problem. Mine isn't being emotionless (ha!) but not knowing the right thing to say, putting my foot in my mouth, and so on. Occasionally coming across as a pedant, which is so embarrassing.

I may be getting better at it, though. One thing is: if you are a nerd (in the sense of passionate about something abstract) just roll with it. You will get along better with similar people. Your non-nerdy friends will know you're a nerd. I try to be as nice as possible so that when, inevitably, I say something clumsy or reveal that I'm ignorant of something basic, it's not taken too negatively. Nice but clueless is much better than arrogant.

And always wait for a cue from the other person to reveal something about yourself. Don't bring up politics unless he does; don't mention your interests unless he asks you; don't use long words unless he does.

I can't dance for shit, but various kinds of exercise are a good way to meet a broader spectrum of people.

Do I still feel like I'm mostly tolerated rather than liked? Yeah. It can be pretty depressing. But such is life.

As for dating -- the numbers are different from my perspective, of course, but so far I've found I'm not going to click really profoundly with guys who aren't intelligent. I don't mean that in a snobbish way, it's just a self-knowledge thing -- conversation is really fun for me, and I have more fun spending time with quick, talkative types. There's no point forcing yourself to be around people you don't enjoy.