I have the answer, people. Have no fear.
Quirrel isn't evil. Evil people like Voldermort only exist in stories. It's just that Eliezer built an FAI, and as a reward got a chance to pretend to be Raistlin.
Hermione is going to found SPEW, and then, to save the house-elves from having to work all the time, will create an Auto-Geomancic Incantation, or AGI, to do the housework. It will recursively self-enmagic and optimise for the first item on it's to-do list: get more paperclips.
The world will end, and the moral is that everything can be destroyed very quickly by things you weren't expecting, because you're not in a story.
I know this to be true for a fact, because Eliezer laughed when I suggested it.
Also, in the real world acausal trade is magic, so in the Potterverse, magic is just acausal trade.
Update: This post has also been superseded - new comments belong in the latest thread.
The second thread has now also exceeded 500 comments, so after 42 chapters of MoR it's time for a new thread.
From the first thread: