erratio comments on Humans are not automatically strategic - Less Wrong
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Right, so it sounds like you do value engagement over doing nothing. That's certainly a good start.
Basically, I think it should be possible for you to find some better (as in: likely to help you change your terminal value) goals that you actually want to do, without necessarily having to introspect about your desire to kill yourself. Of course, I could well be generalising from one example.
Oh boy do I know that feeling. The corollary being that after I finally got the work done or sat the exam or whatever I suddenly realised that I'd wasted 20+ hours on some piece of dreck :)