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SarahC comments on Open Thread, September, 2010-- part 2 - Less Wrong
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The first few versions of my profile were geared to show off how geeky and smart I was. This connected me to people who spent a lot of time playing tabletop roleplaying games, reading fantasy novels, and making pop culture references to approved geeky television shows, none of which are things which interest me particularly.
Eventually I realized that I am not actually just popped out of the stereotypical modern geek mold, and it was lazy, inaccurate, and ineffective to act like I was. Since then I've started doing the much harder thing of trying to pin down my specific traits and tastes, instead of taking the party line or applying a genre label that lets people assume the details. In that way, OKC has actually been a big force in driving me to understand who I am, what I want, and what really matters to me. A bit silly, but I'll take it.
Here's a question I've been pondering a lot: What are good questions to use to actually learn something about a person? (If you suggest "what kind of music do you listen to" ... you're fired.) If they're not the same for everyone, and I expect that they aren't, how do you find them?
I'm not completely in the geeky mold either. But if you literally take a random sample of young men in my area, I will not get along with most of them. There's some sense in filtering.
To learn about people, I usually get them started on their interests. It only really works for people who have interests (enthusiastic about a hobby or career) but do you really want to date someone who doesn't? I only feel I know someone when I know his personal philosophy, but that usually takes time to come out.
Of course--the alternative to self-labeling isn't sacrificing your personal criteria. I might not have understood you correctly, because I'm not sure whether this is agreeing or disagreeing or a tangent.
That actually makes me flinch a little, because I've spent a lot of time on OKCupid thinking "It seems like everybody else has defined things which they go out and practice and spend money on and share with their friends. I don't have anything like that. Am I just too boring? : \" I suppose that's more not having a discrete hobby than not having interests--but my interests are much more about the way I live than what I go out and do. I don't think I actually am boring, but I'm afraid I read that way, because I don't have a thing which I do.
Indeed. I might have said "worldview" instead, but they're probably different angles on the same idea.