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alethiophile comments on Luminosity (Twilight fanfic) Part 2 Discussion Thread - Less Wrong
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Chapter 18.
Wait, what? Has she just been hit by Alec or Alec!Del? That's all I can think of. Why?
Mostly posting just because feedback is what motivates most fic writers to continue. I'm also eager to get the resolution to the cliffhanger (I had to go look up what Alec's power was, since I've never read the books--it does sound like that's what just happened to Elspeth).
I also wanted to praise a little snippet of text: "Jane's room was decorated mostly in warm colors. She had carpet that matched her eyes, a lot of knicknacks made of gold, a cherry wood wardrobe, and pale orange upholstery on her sofa set. This made her slight figure, dressed in the black cloak of the Volturi, stand out like a blot of ink against the bright background." That's lovely, and it's exactly the kind of sensory description that helps me, as a reader, feel more realistically grounded in Elspeth's experience.
I would be delighted if we got a sentence or two about how things look every time Elspeth went into a room, new or not -- I don't remember at this point what the assembly hall is supposed to look like (I guess I'm picturing it sort of like a high school cafeteria) or how Jacob's room is set up (pictures on the wall? rugs? Do they keep it tidy or messy?). These rooms might have been described the first time they appeared, but after several chapters I need some reinforcement from the text to be able to picture them clearly.
Thank you!
I'd like to provide a data point in a different direction from siduri - I too liked that section, but I liked it because it turned a solely sensory description into character development as well. Jane's inkblot presence didn't serve to highlight the description of the room, the room's description highlighted Jane's character. Elspeth later wonders why Jane even exists; Jane is like an ink blot on Elspeth's view of the world. That is an excellent description that fleshes out Jane in my mind. I don't like descriptions of places and people for their own sake. Describing the assembly hall or Jacob's room is only desirable (for me as a reader of your work, not in general) if it tells us something important about Chelsea or Jacob, or pushes the plot forwards.
I put moderate probability that that's Adelaide sending her back her memories all at once, and that's how Elspeth perceives it.
Maybe she's just exhausted and that's how it manifests itself?
That would be telling.
Perhaps she's receiving the memory of having been hit by Alec. That's the sort of thing Addie would probably test.
The only causes for her reaction at the end of chapter I can come up with are as follows.
1: She's been hit by Alec, and probably Addy has too.
2: Addy is sending all her memories to Elspeth, making her completely disoriented and "alone" with Addy's thoughts, that she interprets as her own.
3: Addy is sending her a memory of being hit by Alec, not all her memories.
1 probably means there's a rebellion for some reason. Or, more likely; Aro has found out about Addy's sessions with Elspeth and deemed them too dangerous to continue. Alec is there to separate them and perhaps kill Elspeth to eliminate the risk of her spreading a heuristic allowing people to neutralize the effects of Chelsea's witchcraft very effectively.
2 means we get to see whether Addy really is voluntarily working for the Volturi, or if she was tempted by their powers and later enslaved by Chelsea like everyone else. If she is, then she should have been able to use Magic to neutralize the effects like Elspeth does, but maybe she isn't able to make that decision herself but would turn sides if Elspeth sends her the same heuristic she would her friends.
3 probably means Addy is testing if a memory of Alec's power is sufficient enough to keep a person subdued. If it is, then she may decide Elspeth's witchcraft can't develop any further and finally deem her uninteresting and not useful.
I hope it's something close to my second guess, so Elspeth can finally get on with freeing people from this horrible situation. And later the Volturi can hopefully get what's been a long time coming. Especially Aro, Chelsea and Addy, if she's a voluntary participant.