Interesting. I sometimes get questioned on why I don't drink, but my response of "I don't dare lose a single brain cell" or "I have an addictive personality, I don't dare try World of Warcraft either" is usually accepted with a smile. Following Michael Vassar's theory of how excessive visible virtue is disliked as rivalry / implicit criticism / showing-up, I'm probably already seen as belonging to a sufficiently different category that I have dispensation to be virtuous without it counting as an implicit criticism of normal people.

I don't usually advocate lying, but if your companions are being sufficiently silly, maybe you should get ice water, drop in some blue food coloring you brought from home, and tell them it's Romulan ale.

I don't drink (and never have).

For (1), when asked why I don't drink, I say "I don't know. I don't smoke either." People seem to recognize that some people just don't like to smoke, and that this type of thing carries over to other voluntary activities.

When I get a disdainful look or am being chided for being a stick in the mud, I steel myself by remembering Richard Feynmann's wife's exhortation: "What do you care what other people think?"

"I have my reasons."

Said with stone-cold dead delivery, and no further elaboration. Very few people will question it. It also adds an element of enigmatic mystery that can't be achieved with "I think it tastes like crap".

I don't drink, and haven't for about 20 years.

I generally go with "No thanks," on those rare occasions where someone asks why not I explain "I don't drink."

It's actually astonishingly rare for people to ask why not a second time; I don't remember the last time it happened, nor what I said, but I suspect I would go with "I react badly to alcohol," which is certainly true.

"I don't drink" is almost always good enough by itself. My best friend doesn't drink and I have rarely seen it questioned beyond that; "Medical reasons" is usually all the elaboration necessary.

There's an old trick of getting a nonalcoholic drink that looks like an alcoholic one. Ginger ale in a short glass looks like scotch & soda. The gibson (a martini with a cocktail onion) was actually invented by a guy who was sick of drinking at social functions and just put water in a martini glass, and garnished his drink with an onion instead of the typical olive so that he could recognize it.

For #1, having to drive, work, go to another important function, or being required to drink more later at some other function seems to be an acceptable occasional excuse but not a permanent one.

On #3, many cultures have sayings and aphorisms that share the idea that people who do not drink are not as trustworthy in various contexts. Much of it seems to follow from the idea that people are more honest when they've had a drink or two, and therefore people who do not drink are hiding their true character. The display of honesty is considered a trust-building exercise. I recall a proverb (Persian?) to the effect that people should not agree to serious matters sober that they have not discussed drunk.

On #2, if you must drink socially then drink very slowly. This can be developed to a fine art such that you are participating but consuming very little alcohol in fact. Also, there are also drinks you can order at any bar that have low alcohol content and large volume e.g. a redeye (tomato juice and light beer).

"Health reasons," if someone presses it. Ambiguous, but interpretable in a way that doesn't look like you passing judgment to the others who do choose to drink.

If my introspection doesn't fail me, the reason why I tend to like people less if they don't drink (not sure how much of this applies to how many other people) is that I semi-voluntarily¹ pattern-match “person who won't drink” to “introverted and/or closed-minded (ETA: probably religious) person”: if for a particular person I have good reason that doesn't apply (e.g. they are very cheerful, have a very non-traditional hairstyle, etc.) I won't make much of a fuss if they don't drink. Also, having drunk lots of alcohol and being still functioning is a hard-t... (read more)

I would think that one of the markers dividing the modern "adult world" and college would be the lack of peer pressure to drink alcohol. I'd think that only a jerk would give you "disdainful stares" for politely declining.

One social convention you might want to observe where alcohol is served is to have some kind of drink with you, maybe iced tea or a soft drink. Otherwise, people might offer you booze just out of hospitality.

In the "adult world" social drinking with acquaintances, such as work colleagues or people you'v... (read more)

I would expect "I'm on the wagon", with any further questioning deflected by "I'd rather not talk about it" would be enough explanation for any but the most impolite people, with "Medical reasons, I'd rather not go into detail" as the last-resort deflector.

Which is, in fact, absolutely true. You're not drinking (you're on the wagon), you don't want to talk about it, and ultimately it's the pharmacological effects of alcohol that are why you don't want to drink and you don't want to go into detail.

3) Is there any particularly interesting analysis of why drinking is so important to social interaction? Knowing the underlying causes might at least give me some better appreciation for why I have to learn this other than "because!"

The last time I was drunk I told a non-drinking friend of mine in fairly loud and forceful terms that he should drink too. So let me try to introspect on why I might have done that.

You didn't mention anything about experiencing lower inhibitions while drunk, and feeling more willing to do stuff like dance, loudly ... (read more)

I don't drink. Anything remotely alcoholic. At all.

Why do you need a "why?" Just say you don't drink, and that's all.

1) Are there any good, cached buzzword phrases I can use that'll make it socially acceptable to not drink?

I suggest something along the lines of "Alcohol interferes with my medication" or "I'm allergic to alcohol". There are also many people that would accept the answer "It's against my religion", but it might invite annoying follow-up questions. "I'm a recovering alcoholic" also might get people to back off as well.

Actually, now that I think about it some more, something along the lines of "I'm the designated driver" or "I need to drive home" would probably work pretty well, too.

Why don't you just drink one or two drinks in an evening? That's mostly what I do.

There are also alcoholic drinks that are unambiguously more delicious than non-alcoholic drinks. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Framboise is better than any soda.

You're going to be at a social weakness compared to others if you must always be at a baseline mental state during times of socialization. Alcohol makes socialization come faster via the lowering of inhibitions, making you ok to talk more, more comfortable interrupting other people, more comfortable letting your own wo... (read more)

I usually just (truthfully) say that I never acquired a taste for it. I also prefer not drinking because I don't like the idea of possibly doing stupid things or generally losing control, and because the idea of alcoholism scares me enough that I don't want to risk acquiring a taste for it... but the bit about just disliking them as beverages has worked okay for me as an excuse. (Though I haven't needed to try it in any "classy" or otherwise mature setting, I've only needed to use it with friends who definitely weren't going to think I was a square as a result.)

Social necessity? Think of all the drunk driving accidents fueled by alcohol. The king hit murders. The rapes, the suicides, the hospitalization, the addictions and psychoses, the cost to the health care system, the filthy vomit ridden streets, the dopey people wasting their youth and their lives, the children that grow up neglected, the fetuses that grow up poisoned and the activists that believed before me and you that there was hope in the face of the way things have been done for time immemorial. Are that a social necessity? No. We can do better than t... (read more)

Are there any good, cached buzzword phrases I can use that'll make it socially acceptable to not drink?

"An orange juice, please." (Or mineral water, or Coke, or whatever's your fancy.) Of course, this is all going to be culturally specific. In the U.K. it is socially acceptable not to drink alcohol. You do not have to excuse yourself and will not be asked to.