= 27d567bc2d48d9f40e9ccc20ea370b15)
Swimmer963 comments on A Transhumanist Poem - Less Wrong
You are viewing a comment permalink. View the original post to see all comments and the full post content.
= 783df68a0f980790206b9ea87794c5b6)
Loading…= b715d02e85f7b3b4ae65ca3d3e450868)
Subscribe to RSS Feed
Powered by Reddit
= f037147d6e6c911a85753b9abdedda8d)
You are viewing a comment permalink. View the original post to see all comments and the full post content.
Comments (48)
This doesn't have a consistent number of syllables per line or a consistent stress pattern. Try rewriting it so that each line has exactly 8 syllables, and the syllables alternate between unstressed and stressed. This makes some words unavailable, like silicon (stressed-unstressed-unstressed), and limits which pairs of words can be next to each other ("rough hands" and "stone wall" both put stressed syllables next to each other), but will make it flow better and sound more like a poem, as opposed to prose-with-linefeeds. You might need to practice tagging the syllables of some existing poems to get the hang of distinguishing syllable types. And no, affirming a great truth does not make good poetry.
(Edit: The link was missing due to incorrect Markdown formatting)
Here is a poem I wrote that does use rhythm. I don't really like it that much though.
Poem #1
You can't turn the colors of the rainbow into black and white/ You can't write the ending to this story so it comes out right/ You don't know until it matters if you're weak or if you're strong/ But no one has the right to say that what you did was wrong.
Tomorrow is a new day that you might not live to see/ The first night is the hardest, yet by morning, you'll be free/ You thought you were invincible but anyone can fail/ It only took a moment for a life's work to derail.
Anybody else could have made the same mistake/ You know it intellectually but still you lie awake/ Repeating like a mantra that you did the best you could/ Asking, "if I die tomorrow, will my friends say I was good?"