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TheOtherDave comments on How to Be Happy - Less Wrong
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It's complicated. Marital satisfaction and happiness change throughout the 'family cycle.' Newlyweds are pretty happy. Having a kid is the lowest point. Having adolescent kids is better than infants, and not as bad as commonly thought. Couples who have sent their kids out into the world experience rising happiness, near newlywed levels.
But yes, those first few years after birthing a new child are definitely the worst. So in that sense, parenthood makes you less happy. But it doesn't last. As the kids grow up, happiness goes back up again.
BTW, the best solution to the 'marriage sucks after having a kid' problem seems to be this: change your expectations. :)
I went to see a panel of female mathematicians talk about work and life once, and the predictable question came up, "How do you balance work with parenthood?"
Among the answers was the comment "Kids are only small for about five years and they're only at home for eighteen." When you think about it, the period when parenthood conflicts directly with work is a very small proportion of your working life, unless you have lots of kids.
Every time I hear that question asked of married heterosexual female professionals, I want them to answer "More or less the same way my husband does."
I'd prefer that their answers about equal responsibility for parenting be consistent with their answers for equal right to be awarded disputed child custody. Holding either consistent position (mothers' parenting presence is essentially special in very important ways that can't generally be replaced by fathers, or mothers and fathers should be treated equally) seems less wrong than opportunistically switching between one position to justify extra parental rights and roles in divorce and the other position to justify equal parental responsibilities and roles in marriage.
(Of course, my simple dichotomy shatters into more possibilities if marriage is considered a custom contract defined by negotiation between the spouses. But marriage and family law in general seem very nearly a one-size-fits-all status defined by government, with only a small admixture of contract (pre-nups and such) having AGAIK almost no legal force regarding child care and custody. Thus I don't think the dichotomy is a gross distortion.)
Similar things are true about attitudes towards adoption by same-sex couples, and about single parenthood in general.
Anyway, for my own part, I endorse the idea that parenting is not a gender-specific attribute, and that it's a job far more easily shared by several adults than entirely handled by one.
That said, I also endorse the idea that parenting is a skill that develops with practice, and my priors for a given parent having put significant time and attention and effort into the practice of parenting is higher for women than men in my culture.
I would add that divorce does not in any way obviate either parent's obligations towards, or relationship with, their child. In particular, I'd say that to think about child custody as a privilege that some parents are granted and which other parents deserve equal access to, or as a resource that parents have contractual obligations regarding the dispensation of, is already getting it backwards: rather, both parents share equally the obligation to make custody choices in the child's interest.
I recognize that many divorcing parents are unable to discharge that responsibility, and that courts often have to step in. And I agree that the courts generally adopt a one-size-fits-all approach that doesn't reflect the actual interests of each individual child, and that's unfortunate.
Come to that, I recognize that many married parents are unable to discharge that responsibility, and that's unfortunate too.
It remains their responsibility.