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wedrifid comments on The 5-Second Level - Less Wrong
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I think that the big skill here is not being offended. If someone can say something and control your emotions, literally make you feel something you had no intention to feel beforehand, then perhaps it's time to start figuring out why you're allowing people to do this to you.
At a basic level anything someone can say to you is either true or false. If it's true then it's something you should probably consider and accept. If it's false then it's false and you can safely ignore/gently correct/mock the person saying it to you. In any case there really isn't any reason to be offended and especially there is no reason to allow the other person to provoke you to anger or acting without thought.
This isn't the same as never being angry! This is simply about keeping control for yourself over when and why you get angry or offended, rather than allowing the world to determine that for you.
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I (really) like what you're saying here and it is something I often recommend (where appropriate) to people that have no interest in rationality whatsoever.
Well, except for drawing a line at 'true/false' with respect to when it an be wise to take actions to counter the statements. Truth is only one of the relevant factors. This doesn't detract at all for your core point.
I extend this philosophy to when evaluating socially relevant interactions of others. When things become a public scene that for some reason I care about I do not automatically attribute the offense, indignation or anger of the recipient to be the responsibility of the person who provided the stimulus.
The true/false isn't the only line, but I feel that it's the most important. If something someone says to or about you is true, then no matter what you should own it in some way. Acknowledge that they're right, try to internalize it, try to change it, but never never just ignore it! (edit: If you're getting mad when someone says something truthful about you, then this should raise other warning flags as well! Examine the issue carefully to figure out what's really happening here.)
If the thing they say is false, then don't get mad first! Think it through carefully, and then do the minimum you can to deal with it. The most important thing is to not obsess over it afterward, because if you're doing that you're handing a piece of your life away for a very low or even negative return. Laugh about it, ignore it, get over it, but don't let it sit and fester in your mind.
Edit - please disregard this post
When it comes to making the most beneficial responses feeling anger is almost never useful when you have a sufficient foundation in the mechanisms of social competition, regardless of truth. It tends to show weakness - the vulnerability to provocation that you are speaking of gives an opportunity for one upmanship that social rivals will instinctively hone in on.
In terms of the benefits and necessity of making a response it is the connotations that are important. Technical truth is secondary.
Very true.
I didn't mean to suggest that the truth/falsehood line was as usefully socially as I believe it is internally. The social reaction you may decide on is mostly independent from truth.
Internally, it's important to recognize that truth, since it is vital feedback that can tell you when you may need to change.
Edit - please disregard this post
And, when false, when you may need to change what you do such that others don't get that impression (or don't think they can get away with making the public claim even though they know it is false).