I like it so far! One question, though:

Our goal, then, is to build a model of a mind that would express analogous reactions in Mary's Room for a genuine reason

Are you referring the question of how to model a mind that would have analogous reactions to:

• being told about the Mary's Room argument, or to
• being in the position of a real-world Mary?

I assume the first, but I couldn't tell. In any case, both are worthwhile targets for reduction.

Edit: I had previous sketched out a reduction of qualia, but it seems more focused on the first issue -- why we have the intuition that our sensory impressions are so ineffable.