Pablo_Stafforini comments on Rational Romantic Relationships, Part 1: Relationship Styles and Attraction Basics - Less Wrong

48 Post author: lukeprog 05 November 2011 11:06AM

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Comment author: Pablo_Stafforini 22 August 2012 06:49:29AM *  3 points [-]

Ask someone who knows you and has seen you interacting with women to give you honest feedback. Such feedback will help you spot the actual causes of your inability to attract suitable mates more than anything anyone could tell you here.

Comment author: [deleted] 22 August 2012 10:19:06PM *  1 point [-]

When I ask that, the answer is usually “I have no idea, you are not ugly nor unpleasant nor stupid after all” or “You just haven't found the right one yet.”

(Oh, and the people who give me the former answer are almost invariably already taken, or otherwise not looking for a relationship at the moment.)

Comment author: Pablo_Stafforini 22 August 2012 11:21:39PM 2 points [-]

When you approached these people, did you make it clear that you were looking for honest feedback, however painful it might be?

Comment author: [deleted] 23 August 2012 07:44:26AM *  2 points [-]

Well... I though I had, but now that I think about that... (OTOH, I usually ask that when we're both drunk, so that --I'd expect-- there are fewer filters in place than usual.)

I've also created an account on whatiswrongwithme.com and share it on Facebook once in a while -- promising I won't get offended no matter what I read, but I didn't get much feedback there either.

Comment author: Pablo_Stafforini 23 August 2012 08:40:02AM *  8 points [-]

You may consider offering money in exchange for good feedback. A while ago, I agreed to pay a friend of mine $5 per individual piece of feedback that I judged to be sufficiently valuable. I learned a lot about myself as a result.

Comment author: [deleted] 24 August 2012 01:00:41AM 0 points [-]

That had never occurred to me. Maybe I'll try that some day.

Comment author: Sarokrae 23 August 2012 01:55:36AM 0 points [-]

Actually, if you find the comment on this page (among the thousands) about useless studies (I recall it being highly upvoted), in a lot of people self-reporting is highly inaccurate. I suspect this is mostly either via automatic face-saving or via only reporting conscious reactions when unconscious ones are equally important.

I recommend either asking friends who both understand how the conscious/unconscious division works for them, and are willing to be brutally honest (actually if they have both these qualities they don't need to be a friend, just anyone willing to talk to you will do), or if no such person is available, form hypotheses yourself and get evidence by changing your behaviour and observing the responses, rather than asking outright.

Comment author: EphemeralNight 22 August 2012 07:11:09AM *  0 points [-]

Ask someone who knows you and has seen you....

There is no such person.

Comment author: Pablo_Stafforini 22 August 2012 03:36:44PM *  8 points [-]

Then I think you might benefit from improving your social skills after all.

Comment author: Strange7 25 August 2012 03:14:06AM 0 points [-]

First, accumulate 117 acquaintances who would trust you to relay an unimportant piece of information accurately, and four true friends who would trust you to provide support in a situation which unexpectedly became violent.