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Miller comments on Ego syntonic thoughts and values - Less Wrong
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Ok, but then what?
I mean, this idea sounds about right to me (in general terms) and has direct consequences for my life. I'm in such a conflict right now, so I'm very motivated to find a way to deal with it.
(In case that you're addressing this in an upcoming post soon, feel free to ignore this comment until then.)
I'm currently facing opposition between two different personalities and their associated goals. Roughly speaking, one side has a very stable, mildly entertained, completely withdrawn lifestyle that takes over the whole day, and the other has fairly specific, time-intensive, but exciting ambitions and is seething with hatred over all the wasted potential and seeming incompetence and tyranny of the dominant slacker side. (I'm willing to be arbitrarily explicit, but don't want to derail into my crap unasked.) The situation is quite similar to the heroin addict, though not yet as unstable. Either side makes it look to me and to others as if it were the victim, exactly as you describe.
The conflict is clearly causing me much suffering and is not a satisfactory state of affairs, but it's not clear at all to me what I can do about it. Here's a (probably incomplete) list of things I've unsuccessfully tried over the last years (please note that I'm compressing quite some time and am focusing directly on the conflict, so this sounds probably more intense than it really is):
Accept fully the desires of both sides as valid. They are not, strictly speaking, in conflict. I can totally imagine spending, say, working some hours on a long-term goal and some other hours relaxing, or maybe find ways to integrate them. This does nothing. Sure, I don't hate myself for the conflict anymore, but it doesn't resolve it and one side is still utterly dominant for months until the other violently takes over.
Try to trace exactly what the conflict is. This was specifically influenced by the Method of Levels and PCT, according to which there must be 2 (or more) control systems that attempt to control for contradictory reference values. I've spent plenty of hours on that, but can't actually identify any direct conflict. I do not get a situation where I can feel both sides pulling in different directions. Rather, I get completely mind-wiped by one side, which takes over, conflict-free, then background suffering builds up, another mind-wipe, the other side rules. If I try to become aware of the background suffering, I just get a completely unfocused, unspecific build-up of pressure in my head and stomach that is intensely painful. I can concentrate on this for hours, but get no further insight or connection to anything whatsoever out of it. (I have found MoL-like analysis useful for other minor issues, though.)
Different kinds of meditation. Vipassana. Concentration. Noting. Chanting. Prayer. Trying to be aware of as many internal events as possible. Ditto external. Focusing on rest. All this leads either nowhere or gets the results described in 1) and 2).
Drugs. Anti-depressants, uppers, downers, psychedelics, dissociatives, omega 3, whatever. Some make it feel like I'm resolving something (particularly the entheogens), but nothing changes. I always walk away with "oh, that's why I'm suffering, now I got it!" and a few days later, at most, it's all back.
Contracts. I've set up multiple contracts with myself, trying to negotiate conditions that are getting closer to resolution, but they hold no power and after a few days I start abandoning them, regardless of how severe the contract was.
Finding out what "my purpose" or "my real values" are, by introspection and writing. I don't even get fake results that seem convincing at first, like with the drugs. I have lots and lots of pages of psycho-analytical babble, though.
Using CBT and The Work to repair broken or harmful thoughts. Did absolutely nothing for me. Most of the time, I don't even have thoughts. (This wasn't always the case. When I first meditated at 15, I found it hard to sit for 5 minutes and not get overwhelmed by my thoughts. Now I go blank quite often and then get bored.) And the thoughts I found were mostly not about me (but about stuff I read, like what's good about Python, or explaining to myself how spaced repetition works so that I don't forget the explanation). The few worries I could dig out were not really responsive to the approach. If I try investigating my feelings using these techniques, I simply get no results. "What's this anxiety about?", "What does it predict?", "Who would I be without it?", all just gets a mental shrug and "don't know / don't care". I might as well ask what an itch is "about" or "who I would be without it".
Using operant conditioning, trivial inconveniences and similar "behaviorist" tools to get rid of one side or keep it in check. (I've tried this with both sides, at different times of course.) No results, except that I changed a few food preferences in the process. Essentially every single akrasia tactic described on LW fails me here.
Blatantly and totally picking sides, embracing one personality as the only true one. (Again, did this with each side eventually.) This lead me to actively harm the other, often destroying things, leaving associated communities, the like. Of course, I made my decision public and took full responsibility for the previous conflict and for the new direction I was going to take. This feels great for typically a few weeks (and can trigger quite a manic episode), but then the other side comes back, "willpower" gets drained and I descend into total apathy. There isn't even active opposition anymore; both sides are perfectly willing to commit "suicide" by now and let the other side take over, as long as this damn suffering finally ends, but they don't go anywhere.
Give up. I've sat down, stared at a wall and said to myself, "I'm tired of this bullshit and will do nothing anymore! I won't influence anything, won't want anything, prefer nothing, decide nothing, just sit here and stare at this wall. Whatever happens then, I don't care.". I spent a few hours more or less catatonic, then had some kind of peace for a few days, but the background suffering just builds up again and the anxiety, self-hate and pain come back, making it impossible to enjoy anything.
I hope this isn't too incoherent or tl;dr, but I'm frustrated that this looks as if there should be some deep understanding and solution that would actually help me, not just a fancy idea that signals how cynical I am.
I am going to take the unflattering guess that your expectations for yourself are generally unrealistic, and that you are unwilling to face this fact. This is not a conscious thing but an emotional and subconscious expectation trained into you during childhood (possibly). Quite simply, hard work and small incremental gains are beneath you. Failures on inconsequential steps are unacceptable. If only a simple solution were found, the key would turn, and an uber-awesome-individual emerge.
Many of the subjects addressed on this very website are grandiose in nature. By involving yourself, the signal is that you can participate in them: research topics from the deepest corners of academia, immortality, fate of humanity, superior general problem solving on all subjects, etc. We flock to them because we recognize they are important, and we flatter ourselves to recognize they are important, and yet our contributions to them are negligible. Sure we can admit we are horrible at decision theory or quantum mechanics or any specific item, but there must be something that can be found that will demonstrate the grand plan that features us as the hero. Even failing at quantum mechanics is better than the guy that thinks it's a magazine that sits next to Motor Trend in the garage lobby, right?
This is narcissism spectrum stuff and very ego syntotic. It's my new hammer and everything looks like nails, so I can easily be wrong. The (unconscious) decision is ultimately between living in a false fantasy of grandeur or living in a real world where you are one of many: striving for marginal gains, and doomed to grow old and die.
The guy that wrote this is mostly describing himself, is controversial, and is substantially more screwed up than almost anyone, but tell me if it rings any bells. He goes on elsewhere to differentiate cerebral from physical varieties of narcissism. It's a word that kind of needs tabooing, but the underlying symptom is vehement subconscious guarding of a false fantasy persona. We aren't secretly Harry Potter.
I notice that you don't mention other people in any of your solutions (except #9 where you are causing an attention fueling ruckus). Why not?
Appreciated. I follow Crocker's Rules, so don't hesitate to call out my bullshit.
That rings very true. Intellectually, I've learned over the last few years how wrong this attitude is and how crucial hard work is. Also, there were things I did work hard on, say programming or writing, but this ability has essentially disappeared by now and I'm unsure why, though it very well might be because I'm getting less attention nowadays. I'll look into that.
Same goes for the link. The description is quite fitting.
This in particular gets an "Ouch! Yeah, I might be doing that, I guess... ".
However, I notice my pattern of "Oh, that's a cool idea, that must be it!", but it doesn't entail any actual improvement.
Thing is, I'm totally willing to accept that I'm fairly narcissistic and a "special snowflake", but I realize that this is causing me suffering and is not a good self-image to have. Consciously, I see the value of small improvements and how disastrous and crappy my past approach is, so I'm interested in changing that. Whatever is causing the problem, I wanna get rid of it, not "merely" understand it.
I suspected (because of MoL) that I was only changing my personality on a very superficial level, but the unconscious need for specialness and attention was unaffected and just undid my changes every time. But trying to mentally access these unconscious needs or modifying them hasn't worked out at all so far.
I have already given up hope of a silver bullet that will fix everything at once, but maybe I wasn't nearly as thorough about giving up this fantasy as I should've been. I'll try working on that.
Because I'm not very social. I don't find other people particularly interesting or helpful to be around, so I'm not. (This doesn't include appreciating all their useful outputs, but only the people themselves.) I can enjoy spending time with friends (introvert style), but actually talking to people is very boring most of the time. (And I'm no exception here. I'm nowhere near the most interesting person in the world.)
I have tried talking about my problems / finding solutions with friends, but I found it to be ultimately useless or inefficient. (I can introspect much faster alone when I don't have to explain myself all the time.) It's the general psychotherapy problem. I end up with lots of "great insights", even have fun, get some "deep emotions", but it doesn't actually change anything in the long run.