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GabrielDuquette comments on Rationality and Relationships September 2011 - Less Wrong
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...starting with me, of course. This is actually a pretty good example. In relationships, I like being a catalyst for change (proposing this thread) but I'll sometimes cast the other person in the role of "boundary creator" (I was probably subconsciously waiting for someone to post a comment along the lines of "so get out there and dance, champ.") I think it relates to underparenting. In order to trust a person, I have to establish that they will politely but firmly stand up for themselves. I'm not sure how to go about changing this, or if it even needs changing. Maybe lessening will do.
On the other side of similar instincts I have found that in order for a partner to trust me I must 'set boundaries' around things I don't even want boundaries about. "Politely and firmly standing up for myself" is not really about me and what I want but about claiming territory that she needs me to claim. Which I find a tad ironic but tolerable. I do select somewhat for people whose boundary-testing needs are compatible with my enjoyment.
ETA: Standing up against things I don't care about doesn't feel incongruent or dishonest to me at all. Because people, particularly a sexual partner, doing things that I know they consider to be disrespectful of me really are something I have a boundary around. A glaring big uncompromising boundary.
I think it's a matter of Schelling Points. For many people, their self-interest will gradually increase in an interaction with you in subtle ways (e.g. being late for things, being flaky on plans, being dramatic/insecure/tactless, etc...). They will slowly try to structure the interaction around their needs, until they run into a boundary set by you. I think this sort of behavior is totally normal for many personality types, male or female. I think the only types of people who don't do this kind of thing are some types of high-IQ nerds, introverts, and people with very high Agreeableness and/or low assertiveness.
The tough part is that all these boundary-pushing behaviors start off small, and are generally unintentional, so it can be hard to figure out the right time to put your foot down without feeling like a jerk.