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GabrielDuquette comments on Rationality and Relationships September 2011 - Less Wrong
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Wow, major wording fail. I meant "I wish I could have control over who I'm attracted to, but I reliably don't (at all)." The wishing is the result of there being nearly no one who fits my other preferences (brains, sense of humor) while also being really physically attractive. I've met lots of girls who are just short of whatever the tipping point is... but something about whatever variant of OCD I have makes me obsess over those shortcomings until I can't think about anything else and I have to end the relationship.
If it were me, I would diagnose one of three problems. Unreasonably high standards, high standards and low incidence, or standards and unrecognized fear of intimacy.
I have trouble with the last two. My solution to both is to talk to new people I am attracted to physically more often. First impressions don't always go anywhere, but I need to increase my number of attempts.
Yes, that is my strategy as well.
Have you considered an upper limit to your number of experiments, to settle for some optimal stopping point? Or some method to increase the quality of experimental subjects?
Neither of these will resolve a fear of intimacy issue, of course! And I do hate to suggest someone alter their standards without knowing for myself that they are unreasonable.
There are too many ways that the "experiment" metaphor doesn't work. I can't condense my investigations into a single question addressable within controlled conditions. And I don't know what an "optimal stopping point" would look like. I'll settle for optimal equilibrium, wherein I don't feel nervous about my partner's present or eventual inequality (in either direction) in terms of attractiveness, intelligence, and sense of humor. Niceness isn't hard to find, and keep.
"Fear of intimacy" sounds a little bit too much like a black box. Can you dissolve it for me?
I don't know. For me, most of my life, I think I have been irrationally afraid of harm from the people I am interested in. In a PTSD sort of way, without any really traumatic experiences, that I know of.
And for most of this time I have been very interested in having an intimate relationship. (I've had a few, all 'serious'.) And at the same time rarely attracted on a physical level, to anyone. Which is a problem that may resolve itself, for me, now that I acknowledge and work on the irrational parts of my fears, or it may not.
I think this physical level is essential, and that my awareness of it has been hampered by my fears. Is this clear?
I can't help but generalize from my own experience and ask: are you sure it's fear you're hampered by, or could it be brain activity occurring somewhere along the normal-to-OCD spectrum? Like, your radar for possible negative experiences isn't calibrated perfectly to begin with, but on top of that, it gets stuck pinging like crazy if it pings at all.
I am absolutely not sure! And if my strategy for correcting my behavior in order to achieve my goals matches the optimal strategy for the actual problem, and achieved positive results, would it matter?
I can see the advantage to a correct diagnosis if the optimal strategy had no positive benefits.
I am not very familiar with the diagnostic criteria for sub-clinical OCD, but it would not surprise me to find out that I used to qualify, and may still. But it's not a big worry for me right now.
Wow, I totally didn't spot the second possible meaning there!