Key:
Your originals are rated 1-10. My suggested changes are rated 1-10. You might think a change that I suggested is poor - I might agree, and merely think that it is better than what was there, and that you should keep thinking about how to improve it. You might think that a phrasing or idea of yours I changed is good or good enough - I might agree, and merely think mine is an improvement.
My comments are in italics, suggested changes are in plain font.
I am an ideal editor for this because I have not read any of Rowling's books, nor seen the movies.
Fanfiction.net is the legally gray slum of literature, overpopulated with mostly bad Alternate Universe versions of popular novels. 5
"Alternate universe" should not be capitalized. I think "alternative universe" is more accessible.
The website fanfiction.net is a legally gray slum of derivative literature, mostly populated by bad versions of popular novels set in alternative universes. 7
Unexpectedly, however, it hosts a few stories capable of truly impacting a person's life. 8
Ideally your thinking would reflect that impact isn't a property of stories, but rather a property of story-audience pairs. See mind projection fallacy. I'm not sure if the reader will understand "host" is correct, so it is better to use a different word if an equally good one can be found. "Truly" might not be the best fit since its core meaning has to do with likelihood of effect rather than magnitude. The word "life" I took out so it could be used for the first time in the following sentence, where it helps clarify the meaning.
Unexpectedly, however, it features a few stories capable of deeply impacting an open-minded reader. 9
“Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality” by Eliezer Yudkowsky, is one such story, and it has already changed mine. 4
I think this sentence needs either one comma or three, though perhaps only three would be correct. I do not know if there is a special convention for writing the titles of fan fiction, but novel titles are italicized. Also, "mine" can be read as referring back to "story".
Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, by Eliezer Yudkowsky, is one such story, and it has already changed my life. 7
The protagonist, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, is extraordinarily intelligent, curious, and rational, overlapping little with the Harry Potter of J.K. Rowling’s celebrated works. 6
This doesn't sufficiently tell me about the original depiction of Harry Potter. Is he stupid, or of normal intelligence? Telling me a character isn't neutral good) doesn't tell me much. I can't tell you how to fix this because I do not know what Harry Potter is like in the books. "The protagonist" isn't descriptive enough.
The story's protagonist, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, is extraordinarily intelligent, curious, and rational. 7
Yudkowsky’s iteration of The Boy Who Lived often cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own) but his influence comes from how he thinks rather than what he knows. 3
You need to identify Harry Potter as The Boy Who Lived.
Yudkowsky’s iteration of Potter often cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own) as reasons for what he believes, but his influence on me comes from how he thinks rather than what he knows.
Immediately upon being tossed into the world of magic he starts testing his new environment. 5
The new paragraph should probably have the first reference to Potter by name. It should clarify that the properties of magic are what he is testing. The sentence needs a comma.
Immediately upon being tossed into the world of magic, Potter starts testing the properties of his new-found magical powers.
He designs and performs experiments and believes in his own ability to find truths the wizarding world has overlooked. 7
The irrationality of the wizarding world should be mentioned. Otherwise, the belief is not clearly rational.
He believes in his ability to find truths the unscientific wizarding world has overlooked, and takes the initiative to design and perform his own experiments to discover the nature of magic. 8
Unlike so many others, he approaches each problem as if it can be solved, trusting his own intelligence and perseverance. 7
I dislike the phrase "so many others". Clarify that the others are others in the wizarding world.
Unlike others in the wizarding world, who are used to not understanding magic, he approaches each puzzle as if it can be solved, trusting his own intelligence and perseverance.
One very useful technique that I’ve picked up for emulating this determination is to, when faced with a problem, really think about it for a solid five minutes before writing it off as too difficult. 7
I've emulated his determination, and have adopted the habit of never writing off a problem as too difficult until I have thought about it and nothing else for a solid five minutes. 8
His focus on rationality prompted me to introspect on why I procrastinate, and take successful steps against the problem through the use of highly atomized task lists. 6
His focus on rationality, or his application of rationality? "...through the use of..." is passive
His rational outlook has prompted me to introspect on why I procrastinate, and take successful steps against the problem by routinely making highly atomized task lists.
His efforts to study and understand magic, and his intent to use that knowledge to better the world, were inspiring. 7
The notion of intent to better the world is abruptly introduced here. Regarding rationality, you first said that the character used it, and then described how it affected you. In contrast, regarding altruistic intent, the first mention of Harry's possessing it is in the middle of a sentence describing how he has influenced you. "...were inspiring" is passive.
(Something came up, and I have abruptly run out of time to do this for now. Let me know if you want me to suggest changes to the sentences below.)
I had never really been sure about what I wanted to do with my life. But now I know; I’m going to be a scientist. 7
What caused you to know? The context implies it was the influence of HPMOR, or perhaps the character of Harry in it, but that is not good enough.
But he didn’t just help guide me towards my future; he gave me hope. 8
Once again, I think it is important to exclude the first "he" of each paragraph from referring to Yudkowsky.
Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres taught me to look up at the heavens, the stars blazing against the dark and the mountains on the surface of the Moon, and see not only the cold indifference of the universe but also the promise of humanity's future.
That one day we might expand beyond the Earth and the Solar System, into the huge, luminous spiral of the Milky Way. 7
Why would this be good?
"That one day we might" returns 43.9 million google hits.
That one day, we might defeat death, and that to endeavor to push it away is not cowardly but noble. 7
I think this is too big a concept to introduce here.
He taught me that the future can be as big and as brilliant as the night sky, but only if we fight for it. And that’s exactly what I’ll do. 7
The new paragraph should probably have the first reference to Potter by name. It should clarify that the properties of magic are what he is testing. The sentence needs a comma.
Does this mean I wouldn't mention Harry Potter in the first paragraph?
I mentioned this last week in the open thread and yesterday decided to write it. Since a few people on the site helped me choose this topic and the content is relevant to the site, I thought it would be nice to see what everyone thinks. If a change is suggested that I like I will edit the post. Sorry if I don't implement what may seem to you like an obvious change. I'd like to keep the style as close to mine as possible.
The prompt was to describe a fictional character that influenced you and to describe that influence in 250-500 words.
Below is the Rot13 version of the submitted essay.
Ba snasvpgvba.arg, nzngrhe jevgref qensg aneengvirf hfvat gur jbeyqf naq punenpgref bs bgure nhgubef, naq gurer ner yvgrenyyl gubhfnaqf onfrq ba Uneel Cbggre. Zbfg ner cbbeyl jevggra naq pyvpuéq, ohg fbzr ner vaperqvoyr. Uneel Cbggre naq gur Zrgubqf bs Engvbanyvgl, ol Ryvrmre Lhqxbjfxl, vf bar fhpu fgbel, naq vg punatrq zl yvsr. Gur nqiragher’f cebgntbavfg, Uneel Wnzrf Cbggre-Rinaf-Ireerf, vf vagryyvtrag, phevbhf, naq engvbany, bireynccvat yvggyr jvgu gur oenir-ohg-npnqrzvpnyyl-nirentr Uneel Cbggre bs W.X. Ebjyvat’f pryroengrq jbexf.
Lhqxbjfxl’f vgrengvba bs gur ureb bsgra pvgrf fghqvrf va pbtavgvir cflpubybtl (vafcvevat zber guna n srj abpgheany ovatrf bs nhgbqvqnpgvfz) ohg uvf vasyhrapr ba zr pbzrf sebz ubj ur guvaxf engure guna jung ur xabjf. Vzzrqvngryl hcba ragrevat gur jbeyq bs zntvp, Uneel fgnegf grfgvat naq nanylmvat gur zntvpny sbeprf gung trarengvbaf bs jvmneqf unir nyybjrq gb erznva zlfgrevbhf. Ur qrfvtaf naq cresbezf rkcrevzragf, oryvrivat va uvf bja novyvgl gb svaq gehguf gur hafpvragvsvp jvmneqvat jbeyq unf bireybbxrq. Ur gehfgf uvf bja vagryyvtrapr naq crefrirenapr, naq, hayvxr uvf crref, nccebnpurf rnpu ceboyrz nf vs vg pna or fbyirq. Svanyyl, guvf fgbel’f Uneel vagebqhprq zr gb znal shghevfg vqrnyf, cerfragvat frevbhfyl gur pbaprcgf bs enqvpny yvsr rkgrafvba, pbtavgvir raunaprzrag, naq rkgen-fbyne rkcnafvba.
Lbhat Cbggre gnhtug zr n terng qrny, ohg ur nyfb rssrpgrq npghny punatr va zl yvsr. Uvf vzcerffviryl grpuavpny vaare zbabybthr cbvagf bhg ubj crbcyr bsgra tvir hc cerzngheryl, naq V’ir yrnearq gb bssfrg guvf snvyher. Ol nqbcgvat gur unovg bs ernyyl guvaxvat nobhg fbzrguvat sbe ng yrnfg svir zvahgrf orsber tvivat hc, naq abg whfg nvzvat sbe gur nafjre ng svefg ohg nyfb cbaqrevat gur angher bs gur dhrfgvba, V’ir orra noyr gb fbyir znal ceboyrzf gung ng svefg tynapr nccrnerq vagenpgnoyr va gur pbzcyrkvgl gurbergvp, “cbffvoyr tvira vasvavgr gvzr naq pbzchgre cbjre,” frafr bs gur grez. Uvf engvbany bhgybbx cebzcgrq zr gb vagebfcrpg ba jul V cebpenfgvangr, naq, guebhtu gur ebhgvar hfr bs uvtuyl ngbzvmrq gnfx yvfgf, V’ir gnxra fhpprffshy fgrcf ntnvafg gur ceboyrz. Uvf rssbegf gb fghql naq haqrefgnaq gur ynjf bs zntvp, naq uvf vagrag gb hfr gung xabjyrqtr gb orggre gur jbeyq, vafcverq zr. V unq arire ernyyl orra fher nobhg jung V jnagrq gb qb jvgu zl yvsr. Ohg abj V xabj: V’z tbvat gb or n fpvragvfg.
Uneel qvqa’g whfg thvqr zr gbjneqf zl shgher; ur tnir zr ubcr. Uneel Wnzrf Cbggre-Rinaf-Ireerf gnhtug zr gb ybbx hc ng gur urniraf, gur fgnef oynmvat ntnvafg gur qnex naq gur zbhagnvaf ba gur fhesnpr bs gur Zbba, naq frr abg bayl gur pbyq vaqvssrerapr bs gur havirefr ohg nyfb gur cebzvfr bs uhznavgl'f shgher. Gung jr pna rkcnaq orlbaq gur Rnegu naq gur Fbyne Flfgrz, cbchyngvat gur uhtr, yhzvabhf fcveny bs gur Zvyxl Jnl; pbadhre gur nvyzragf gung cynthr hf naq chfu njnl qnex guvatf yvxr qrngu naq qvfrnfr. Ur gnhtug zr gung gur shgher pna or nf ovt naq nf oevyyvnag nf gur avtug fxl, ohg bayl vs jr svtug sbe vg. Naq gung’f rknpgyl jung V’yy qb.