First: you're above-average for an undergraduate already. This is a good essay. My suggestions are quite picky. Most adults can't satisfy me.
You seem motivated. You should definitely ask the opinion of people who are unfamiliar with HPMoR, though. If they don't understand, I'd stick with the answer you believe in, but you should be able to figure out what context you need to provide so that you'll be understood by your average seen-a-few-HP-movies adult.
The website fanfiction.net is a questionably legal slum of derivative literature, mostly populated by uninspired, cliched variations of popular novels. Unexpectedly, however, it hosts a few stories capable of deeply affecting an open minded reader.
I dislike this. Stilted. Apologizing. Take us straight to what moved you about this one, or describe bad fan fiction more colorfully (e.g. acknowledge a specific expectation we might have, perhaps of Hermione on Draco action).
Unexectedly, however,
Just one of these will do fine :) No need for both.
But Harry didn’t just
There are no hard rules, but a paragraph starting with "But" is jarring - especially when the previous sentence also lead with "But".
taught me to look up at the heavens, the stars blazing ...
Your grammar suggests that you're looking up with the stars, not at them (though nobody will misunderstand your intent).
mostly ... highly ... quite a bit of ... so many ... often
Remove those words. If you still agree with the result, leave them out.
cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own)
Sounds like you performed some studies!
He designs and performs experiments and believes in his own ability to find truths
Unwieldy. I'd first talk about his confidence in science and reason, and then describe his success in applying it to unasked questions and neglected opportunities in magic.
You may wish to lead with a high-level summary of the conceit of HPMoR (as opposed to canonical HP): magic+rationality beats magic alone.
for at least a solid five minutes .
try simpler: for five minutes. for five uninterrupted minutes. for five minutes straight. for a solid five minutes. for at least five minutes.
That. That; that.
I don't mind sentences that are fragments (joining with the "he taught me ..." earlier). It's odd to use a period and a semicolon to separate 3 things in a list, though. You repeat "He taught me that" in the next sentence, which is fine if you like how it sounds.
That the sad things about being human may not be immutable;
I'd strike that part entirely. It's strong enough to just say:
that we can challenge the big problems, like disease, aging, and perhaps even death.
Consider emphasizing that he (Harry/Eliezer) didn't actually constructively show you a way to live forever or colonize the galaxy, but that you, swayed by their argument and example, think it's a hope worth pursuing; that there's science to be done; that it's worth trying, no matter that success depends on solutions and obstacles yet undiscovered. (There's just a small chance that someone unfamiliar with the material might misunderstand you if you don't make such a clarification.)
Harry didn’t just guide me towards my future; he gave me hope.
This actually makes sense. It's just vague at this point. The obvious question is: hope in what? That some goal you had before is reachable? It caused a feeling of "hope"? After reading through, I think it's that you're not just inspired to choose a career for yourself; you're inspired to dream of a better future for humanity, and to work for it.
I mentioned this last week in the open thread and yesterday decided to write it. Since a few people on the site helped me choose this topic and the content is relevant to the site, I thought it would be nice to see what everyone thinks. If a change is suggested that I like I will edit the post. Sorry if I don't implement what may seem to you like an obvious change. I'd like to keep the style as close to mine as possible.
The prompt was to describe a fictional character that influenced you and to describe that influence in 250-500 words.
Below is the Rot13 version of the submitted essay.
Ba snasvpgvba.arg, nzngrhe jevgref qensg aneengvirf hfvat gur jbeyqf naq punenpgref bs bgure nhgubef, naq gurer ner yvgrenyyl gubhfnaqf onfrq ba Uneel Cbggre. Zbfg ner cbbeyl jevggra naq pyvpuéq, ohg fbzr ner vaperqvoyr. Uneel Cbggre naq gur Zrgubqf bs Engvbanyvgl, ol Ryvrmre Lhqxbjfxl, vf bar fhpu fgbel, naq vg punatrq zl yvsr. Gur nqiragher’f cebgntbavfg, Uneel Wnzrf Cbggre-Rinaf-Ireerf, vf vagryyvtrag, phevbhf, naq engvbany, bireynccvat yvggyr jvgu gur oenir-ohg-npnqrzvpnyyl-nirentr Uneel Cbggre bs W.X. Ebjyvat’f pryroengrq jbexf.
Lhqxbjfxl’f vgrengvba bs gur ureb bsgra pvgrf fghqvrf va pbtavgvir cflpubybtl (vafcvevat zber guna n srj abpgheany ovatrf bs nhgbqvqnpgvfz) ohg uvf vasyhrapr ba zr pbzrf sebz ubj ur guvaxf engure guna jung ur xabjf. Vzzrqvngryl hcba ragrevat gur jbeyq bs zntvp, Uneel fgnegf grfgvat naq nanylmvat gur zntvpny sbeprf gung trarengvbaf bs jvmneqf unir nyybjrq gb erznva zlfgrevbhf. Ur qrfvtaf naq cresbezf rkcrevzragf, oryvrivat va uvf bja novyvgl gb svaq gehguf gur hafpvragvsvp jvmneqvat jbeyq unf bireybbxrq. Ur gehfgf uvf bja vagryyvtrapr naq crefrirenapr, naq, hayvxr uvf crref, nccebnpurf rnpu ceboyrz nf vs vg pna or fbyirq. Svanyyl, guvf fgbel’f Uneel vagebqhprq zr gb znal shghevfg vqrnyf, cerfragvat frevbhfyl gur pbaprcgf bs enqvpny yvsr rkgrafvba, pbtavgvir raunaprzrag, naq rkgen-fbyne rkcnafvba.
Lbhat Cbggre gnhtug zr n terng qrny, ohg ur nyfb rssrpgrq npghny punatr va zl yvsr. Uvf vzcerffviryl grpuavpny vaare zbabybthr cbvagf bhg ubj crbcyr bsgra tvir hc cerzngheryl, naq V’ir yrnearq gb bssfrg guvf snvyher. Ol nqbcgvat gur unovg bs ernyyl guvaxvat nobhg fbzrguvat sbe ng yrnfg svir zvahgrf orsber tvivat hc, naq abg whfg nvzvat sbe gur nafjre ng svefg ohg nyfb cbaqrevat gur angher bs gur dhrfgvba, V’ir orra noyr gb fbyir znal ceboyrzf gung ng svefg tynapr nccrnerq vagenpgnoyr va gur pbzcyrkvgl gurbergvp, “cbffvoyr tvira vasvavgr gvzr naq pbzchgre cbjre,” frafr bs gur grez. Uvf engvbany bhgybbx cebzcgrq zr gb vagebfcrpg ba jul V cebpenfgvangr, naq, guebhtu gur ebhgvar hfr bs uvtuyl ngbzvmrq gnfx yvfgf, V’ir gnxra fhpprffshy fgrcf ntnvafg gur ceboyrz. Uvf rssbegf gb fghql naq haqrefgnaq gur ynjf bs zntvp, naq uvf vagrag gb hfr gung xabjyrqtr gb orggre gur jbeyq, vafcverq zr. V unq arire ernyyl orra fher nobhg jung V jnagrq gb qb jvgu zl yvsr. Ohg abj V xabj: V’z tbvat gb or n fpvragvfg.
Uneel qvqa’g whfg thvqr zr gbjneqf zl shgher; ur tnir zr ubcr. Uneel Wnzrf Cbggre-Rinaf-Ireerf gnhtug zr gb ybbx hc ng gur urniraf, gur fgnef oynmvat ntnvafg gur qnex naq gur zbhagnvaf ba gur fhesnpr bs gur Zbba, naq frr abg bayl gur pbyq vaqvssrerapr bs gur havirefr ohg nyfb gur cebzvfr bs uhznavgl'f shgher. Gung jr pna rkcnaq orlbaq gur Rnegu naq gur Fbyne Flfgrz, cbchyngvat gur uhtr, yhzvabhf fcveny bs gur Zvyxl Jnl; pbadhre gur nvyzragf gung cynthr hf naq chfu njnl qnex guvatf yvxr qrngu naq qvfrnfr. Ur gnhtug zr gung gur shgher pna or nf ovt naq nf oevyyvnag nf gur avtug fxl, ohg bayl vs jr svtug sbe vg. Naq gung’f rknpgyl jung V’yy qb.