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vi21maobk9vp comments on Beyond the Reach of God, Abridged for Spoken Word - Less Wrong
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Comments (29)
"This piece is written for those who have something to protect" - shouldn't this be edited not to menion writing?
I removed the word "post." I thought about the altering the word 'written,' but speeches and stories are written just as much as blog posts. "This was written" seemed pretty straightforward for what it is.
The alternative would be:
"But I'm speaking now, for those who have something to protect."
Which I actually kinda like, now that I look at it. Hmm.
What's wrong with
?
Nothing, actually.
I also really like the sound of that alternative. It's very powerful and personal, and the traditional hemming|hawing about active-not-passive voice actually is a rare case here of genuinely adding emotional voice.
What sort of feels wrong to me is that this piece is EXPLICITLY Eliezer talking (whereas Gift We Give Tomorrow are sort of generic people). It feels sort of presumptuous to pretend to be him. Of course, if I'm actually concerned about that then there's more I need to be worried about than this line.