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Swimmer963 comments on How I Ended Up Non-Ambitious - Less Wrong
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I'll try to provide an example.
I have natural ability for a few things, all artistic. It I taboo "natural ability," I get automatic, plentiful idea generation and high deliberate-practice-to-broadened-vocabulary ratio (I don't have to work much to be able to do a lot).
I'm best at drums and filmmaking. I've played in lots of bands and gone pretty far career-wise, but I've hardly done any filmmaking besides a few music videos. Why?
I can improve at drums mostly by myself, at my own pace -- essential, as it turns out (I've tested this in music classes and on a drumming retreat, both of which I quit because I got too overwhelmed). When I have to work with others, it's usually a small group. Rock band instrumentation usually consists of drums, guitar, bass, and vocals, just enough for my poor social modeling circuitry to handle. Filmmaking requires cooperation with dozens or even hundreds. Giving direction to more than a couple of people at once doesn't really work, because I get impatient... and then rude... or think I've been rude even if I haven't, which starts a silent spiral into apathy. Coping mechanisms probably exist, but I've never been in a position to discover them.
So I think for me it comes down to limited social ability/energy. Being socially incompetent is personally exhausting, as well as harmful to proper networking (being seen as someone who's easy to work with). To avoid burnout, I have to funnel my talents through the pursuit that saps my vigor the least.
Reading LW has only changed my life in that I'm much less likely to wall off entire sections of my mind and experience just because they imply stress. Knowledge is power... but that power isn't necessarily sublime... unless its sublime in the way evolution or a glacier is sublime; that is, not necessarily impressive on a moment-to-moment basis.
For several years I have known that I 'max out' at groups of five. If I'm in a conversation with up to four other people I'm charming and relaxed. Add a sixth and I clam up and turn into a totally different person. My working explanation is that my, as you call it, social modeling circuitry gets saturated and can't handle the combinatorial jump. For me it feels like an exponential increase in difficulty. I can't get the timing right, I don't feel like anything I say is interesting enough to cut in.
Interestingly, I am excellent at public speaking, because there's no need to model the audience on an individual basis.
That's really interesting!
I have a similar "transition mode", but it's between one-on-one conversations and groups of three. If I'm talking one-on-one, I usually contribute at least 50% of the conversation, sometimes significantly more. In theory, talking to two other people should result in me contributing about 1/3 of the conversation...but it's more like 5%. I think part of it is because the conversation dynamics with three people are more complicated, making it hard to manage things like taking your turn without interrupting the others. Part of it is because in a group of three, I'm not needed to avoid awkward silences.
The amount I'll actually talk in a group conversation drops even more steeply above three. I wouldn't say specifically that I'm less relaxed, that I'm uncomfortable, or even that my comments become less interesting, but I tend to go to "listening mode" instead of "talking mode", which is less work for me anyway.
I have no problems in public speaking, or elaborating on a question someone asks me specifically during a group discussion.
I'm the same. Great one-on-one, and extremely awkward when there are two or more other people, which I find to be very exhausting due to the extra conversation dynamics you note. It's also very difficult too when you're the sort of person who likes to periodically be silent for a period in order to think more deeply about what you're talking about -- with more than one other person there, somebody else will just start a new conversation on a new topic to avoid the "dreaded silence".