I might be interested in giving a fuller critique of this at some point (but then who the hell am I), but for now I'll confine myself to just one point:
It was, of course, a highly ceremonial occasion...
The reader knows that the narrator knows more about this world than they do. The reader is okay with that. Trying to impart information by pretending that the reader already knows it seems clumsy and distracting to me. Compare with:
It was a highly ceremonial occasion, excruciatingly ritualized, and he was bored.
I think this is fine. No need to pretend you're the reader's chum.
Thanks for the note -- and I'd be very happy to see any other comments you might have.
This community has a recurring interest in "rationalist fiction," and several members who are writers. I wonder if it would be useful to create a space where Less Wrong members could provide each other constructive criticism and encouragement on in-progress original writing projects?
Disclosure: I'm working on a sci-fi novel right now, and my regular circle of "beta readers" are fantasy fans and aren't providing much feedback on the new project. I am much, much more productive as a writer when I get steady feedback, so I have a personal interest in looking for something like this. Less Wrong came to mind as a community of intelligent, creative, forward-looking types who are likely to enjoy sci-fi.