It doesn't come off as harsh--but it does sound as if this story falls into the broad category of "not for you".
Yeah, that's very possible. A story can be good even if there are people who don't like it. :-)
Though upon reconsideration, I do have to soften my judgement a little. That the first sentence says that the prince is auditioning for a mistress is interesting, and could have managed to get my interest if it had been followed up on quickly enough. But there's something about his boredom that's catchy - he's bored with the ceremony, so the reader gets bored with it as well. Or something, I'm not sure how reliable my introspection is here. :-)
This community has a recurring interest in "rationalist fiction," and several members who are writers. I wonder if it would be useful to create a space where Less Wrong members could provide each other constructive criticism and encouragement on in-progress original writing projects?
Disclosure: I'm working on a sci-fi novel right now, and my regular circle of "beta readers" are fantasy fans and aren't providing much feedback on the new project. I am much, much more productive as a writer when I get steady feedback, so I have a personal interest in looking for something like this. Less Wrong came to mind as a community of intelligent, creative, forward-looking types who are likely to enjoy sci-fi.