I suspect you're picking up on the same thing that drethelin did: the heavy exposition dump that comes right at the beginning.
Some of that can and will be smoothed out, but yeah, the interest at the beginning is mostly supposed to come from the setting and the culture. So the reason I actually suggested the story is not for you was your offhand reference to "generic sci-fi/space opera setting." If you're sick of sci-fi and space opera conventions--if you're not the kind of reader who's approaching the set-up with some degree of interest just because, "cool, it's Mars, let's find out how things work here, hunh, the Sleepers, what are they, they're not really dragons are they, that would be stupid--whoa, what's happening here, was that telepathy-via-bacteria? Gonna have to see how that's handled before I decide what to think of it..."
If you're not that kind of reader, then the story probably isn't for you.
I suspect you're picking up on the same thing that drethelin did: the heavy exposition dump that comes right at the beginning.
That sounds right.
If you're sick of sci-fi and space opera conventions...
Hmm... yes and no.
I'm perfectly willing to read/watch/play space opera if it's executed well. For example, despite having heard it praised for long time, I never got around watching Firefly until a few months back. When I finally did, I loved it. Also, right now I'm playing a character in a game that's set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe, and finding it...
This community has a recurring interest in "rationalist fiction," and several members who are writers. I wonder if it would be useful to create a space where Less Wrong members could provide each other constructive criticism and encouragement on in-progress original writing projects?
Disclosure: I'm working on a sci-fi novel right now, and my regular circle of "beta readers" are fantasy fans and aren't providing much feedback on the new project. I am much, much more productive as a writer when I get steady feedback, so I have a personal interest in looking for something like this. Less Wrong came to mind as a community of intelligent, creative, forward-looking types who are likely to enjoy sci-fi.