Caveat: I don't know why the husband in question doesn't just put his damn clothes in the hamper. Doesn't the idea of having soiled clothes lying around repulse him anyway? Especially when sharing the space with another. I mean... ewww. But now back to assuming the target behavioral territory is not already granted by the obvious shelling point or prior arrangement.
So, how is providing you with a bonus to something you've already done, manipulating you to do something you don't "wish to do"?
It seems you wish to unilaterally accept rewarding behavior as positive. I don't. I have no trouble detecting when rewards are being used as "approximations" towards a behavioral landscape that I clearly don't want or, especially, have previously declared that I would not accept. I am also able to predict - by reference to past experience and knowledge of my own preferences - that encouraging that reward pattern gives undesired outcomes. As Vaniver mentioned, an important skill to develop is the ability to detect the difference between desired and undesired manipulations.
As a somewhat separate issue, excessive use of physical affection (kisses, hugs, sex) as a "reward" for good behavior changes the experience of those activities - and not in a good way.
Hm. You quoted a question I asked, and then proceeded to not answer it in any way. The question was:
How is providing you with a bonus to something you've already done, manipulating you to do something you don't "wish to do"?
Instead of answering that question, you supplied various generalizations whose referents in physical reality I can't ascertain. Please give an example of a situation where somebody being, say, happy that you did something, means that they are manipulating you to do something you don't "wish to do" (your previous words).
Part of the sequence: The Science of Winning at Life
Also see: Basics of Animal Reinforcement, Basics of Human Reinforcement, Physical and Mental Behavior, Wanting vs. Liking Revisited, Approving reinforces low-effort behaviors, Applying Behavioral Psychology on Myself.
Story 1:
On Skype with Eliezer, I said: "Eliezer, you've been unusually pleasant these past three weeks. I'm really happy to see that, and moreover, it increases my probability than an Eliezer-led FAI research team will work. What caused this change, do you think?"
Eliezer replied: "Well, three weeks ago I was working with Anna and Alicorn, and every time I said something nice they fed me an M&M."
Story 2:
I once witnessed a worker who hated keeping a work log because it was only used "against" him. His supervisor would call to say "Why did you spend so much time on that?" or "Why isn't this done yet?" but never "I saw you handled X, great job!" Not surprisingly, he often "forgot" to fill out his worklog.
Ever since I got everyone at the Singularity Institute to keep work logs, I've tried to avoid connections between "concerned" feedback and staff work logs, and instead take time to comment positively on things I see in those work logs.
Story 3:
Chatting with Eliezer, I said, "Eliezer, I get the sense that I've inadvertently caused you to be slightly averse to talking to me. Maybe because we disagree on so many things, or something?"
Eliezer's reply was: "No, it's much simpler. Our conversations usually run longer than our previously set deadline, so whenever I finish talking with you I feel drained and slightly cranky."
Now I finish our conversations on time.
Story 4:
A major Singularity Institute donor recently said to me: "By the way, I decided that every time I donate to the Singularity Institute, I'll set aside an additional 5% for myself to do fun things with, as a motivation to donate."
The power of reinforcement
It's amazing to me how consistently we fail to take advantage of the power of reinforcement.
Maybe it's because behaviorist techniques like reinforcement feel like they don't respect human agency enough. But if you aren't treating humans more like animals than most people are, then you're modeling humans poorly.
You are not an agenty homunculus "corrupted" by heuristics and biases. You just are heuristics and biases. And you respond to reinforcement, because most of your motivation systems still work like the motivation systems of other animals.
A quick reminder of what you learned in high school
What works
Example applications
For additional examples and studies, see The Power of Reinforcement (2004), Don't Shoot the Dog (2006), and Learning and Behavior (2008).
I close with Story 5, from Amy Sutherland:
Next post: Rational Romantic Relationships Part 1
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My thanks to Erica Edelman for doing much of the research for this post.