What would you see as the difference between a) the story described, and b) a wife who kisses her husband because it makes her happy when he does helpful, nice things, of which putting laundry in the hamper is one, and her automatic response to this surge happiness is "thank you, you're an amazing man!" [kiss]? The latter includes most of the same actions on the part of the wife, and probably occurs in a lot of healthy relationships.
My aversion to hostile takeover of internal motivations is much stronger than my desire for the affections of any particular individual.
Are there some internal motivations that you are less protective of than others? For example, if someone tried to condition me to be less averse to harming people, I would have a pretty big reaction, because that particular internal motivation is sacrosanct to me. But preferences for levels of tidiness...meh. I barely consider that an internal motivation, and definitely not a facet of who I am...it's just a habit, and I don't really care about changing it in either direction.
Is the difference with you that you consider all of your motivations to be a sacrosanct part of who you are? Or just that you place a higher value on your autonomy, and being the one 100% entirely responsible for all of your decisions?
It may be worth sharing, anecdotally, that years ago my husband expressed annoyance with me over the fact that I only ever rubbed his back while he was doing dishes, and it made him feel much like how wedrifid describes.
This utterly bewildered me, so I agreed to pay attention to the behavior and see what was going on. Pretty quickly it became clear to me that this was absolutely true, for reasons I wasn't entirely clear on myself, although my working theory was it was the only time that I'd regularly walk past him while he was hunched over in that particu...
Part of the sequence: The Science of Winning at Life
Also see: Basics of Animal Reinforcement, Basics of Human Reinforcement, Physical and Mental Behavior, Wanting vs. Liking Revisited, Approving reinforces low-effort behaviors, Applying Behavioral Psychology on Myself.
Story 1:
On Skype with Eliezer, I said: "Eliezer, you've been unusually pleasant these past three weeks. I'm really happy to see that, and moreover, it increases my probability than an Eliezer-led FAI research team will work. What caused this change, do you think?"
Eliezer replied: "Well, three weeks ago I was working with Anna and Alicorn, and every time I said something nice they fed me an M&M."
Story 2:
I once witnessed a worker who hated keeping a work log because it was only used "against" him. His supervisor would call to say "Why did you spend so much time on that?" or "Why isn't this done yet?" but never "I saw you handled X, great job!" Not surprisingly, he often "forgot" to fill out his worklog.
Ever since I got everyone at the Singularity Institute to keep work logs, I've tried to avoid connections between "concerned" feedback and staff work logs, and instead take time to comment positively on things I see in those work logs.
Story 3:
Chatting with Eliezer, I said, "Eliezer, I get the sense that I've inadvertently caused you to be slightly averse to talking to me. Maybe because we disagree on so many things, or something?"
Eliezer's reply was: "No, it's much simpler. Our conversations usually run longer than our previously set deadline, so whenever I finish talking with you I feel drained and slightly cranky."
Now I finish our conversations on time.
Story 4:
A major Singularity Institute donor recently said to me: "By the way, I decided that every time I donate to the Singularity Institute, I'll set aside an additional 5% for myself to do fun things with, as a motivation to donate."
The power of reinforcement
It's amazing to me how consistently we fail to take advantage of the power of reinforcement.
Maybe it's because behaviorist techniques like reinforcement feel like they don't respect human agency enough. But if you aren't treating humans more like animals than most people are, then you're modeling humans poorly.
You are not an agenty homunculus "corrupted" by heuristics and biases. You just are heuristics and biases. And you respond to reinforcement, because most of your motivation systems still work like the motivation systems of other animals.
A quick reminder of what you learned in high school
What works
Example applications
For additional examples and studies, see The Power of Reinforcement (2004), Don't Shoot the Dog (2006), and Learning and Behavior (2008).
I close with Story 5, from Amy Sutherland:
Next post: Rational Romantic Relationships Part 1
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My thanks to Erica Edelman for doing much of the research for this post.