This sounds like a challenging situation. How were you able to move past this in order to be able to ask for more specific feedback when you needed it?
It's not really exciting to say it, but: 1) I learned to identify, internally, what my emotions correspond to (most critically, if I'm frustrated, it's probably because I'm practicing the wrong thing)
2) I've memorized a few phrases that tend to garner the feedback I need ("Can you be more specific?", "Can you break that down in to smaller pieces?", "I feel like there's some little piece I'm missing that would make this all click together", and "can you demonstrate slowly and narrate what you're doing?")
3) Most important, I have a strong CONCEPT of "this technique is actually a series of smaller techniques that I can drill separately". It's very hard to ask someone to break something down in to simpler steps when you're stuck thinking about it as a single step. And I've broken things down often enough that I can communicate the idea to an instructor who doesn't have it as a concept.
3rd one also helps me evaluate things in advance: "this skill is beyond me - I will need to do something smaller and simpler first, otherwise I'll feel totally overwhelmed and have trouble learning." The tricky bit is usually just finding smaller pieces, but that's where an instructor is useful :)
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Part of the sequence: The Science of Winning at Life
Also see: Basics of Animal Reinforcement, Basics of Human Reinforcement, Physical and Mental Behavior, Wanting vs. Liking Revisited, Approving reinforces low-effort behaviors, Applying Behavioral Psychology on Myself.
Story 1:
On Skype with Eliezer, I said: "Eliezer, you've been unusually pleasant these past three weeks. I'm really happy to see that, and moreover, it increases my probability than an Eliezer-led FAI research team will work. What caused this change, do you think?"
Eliezer replied: "Well, three weeks ago I was working with Anna and Alicorn, and every time I said something nice they fed me an M&M."
Story 2:
I once witnessed a worker who hated keeping a work log because it was only used "against" him. His supervisor would call to say "Why did you spend so much time on that?" or "Why isn't this done yet?" but never "I saw you handled X, great job!" Not surprisingly, he often "forgot" to fill out his worklog.
Ever since I got everyone at the Singularity Institute to keep work logs, I've tried to avoid connections between "concerned" feedback and staff work logs, and instead take time to comment positively on things I see in those work logs.
Story 3:
Chatting with Eliezer, I said, "Eliezer, I get the sense that I've inadvertently caused you to be slightly averse to talking to me. Maybe because we disagree on so many things, or something?"
Eliezer's reply was: "No, it's much simpler. Our conversations usually run longer than our previously set deadline, so whenever I finish talking with you I feel drained and slightly cranky."
Now I finish our conversations on time.
Story 4:
A major Singularity Institute donor recently said to me: "By the way, I decided that every time I donate to the Singularity Institute, I'll set aside an additional 5% for myself to do fun things with, as a motivation to donate."
The power of reinforcement
It's amazing to me how consistently we fail to take advantage of the power of reinforcement.
Maybe it's because behaviorist techniques like reinforcement feel like they don't respect human agency enough. But if you aren't treating humans more like animals than most people are, then you're modeling humans poorly.
You are not an agenty homunculus "corrupted" by heuristics and biases. You just are heuristics and biases. And you respond to reinforcement, because most of your motivation systems still work like the motivation systems of other animals.
A quick reminder of what you learned in high school
What works
Example applications
For additional examples and studies, see The Power of Reinforcement (2004), Don't Shoot the Dog (2006), and Learning and Behavior (2008).
I close with Story 5, from Amy Sutherland:
Next post: Rational Romantic Relationships Part 1
Previous post: The Good News of Situationist Psychology
My thanks to Erica Edelman for doing much of the research for this post.