The thing is, other people's actions and reactions will always sway our behavior in a particular direction, and our actions will do the same to others. We evolved to speak and act in such a way as to get allies, friends, mates, etc. - ie, make people like us so we can then get them to do things for us. Those who were good at getting others to like and help them reproduced more frequently than those who were not. Even if I were to agree that influencing others' behavior without their explicit knowledge and consent is unethical, I can't not do that.
My every smile, frown, thank-you, sorry, and nagging criticism will do something to affect the behavior of others, and they won't be thinking "Ah, she thanked me, this will have the effect of reinforcing this behavior." So if I can't avoid it, the next best thing would be to influence skillfully, not clumsily. In both cases, the other person's behavior is being influenced, and in both cases they are not explicitly aware of this. The only difference in the second case is that I know what I'm doing.
I definitely understand where you're coming from. I can empathize with the sense of violation and disrespect, and I agree that in a lot of situations such behavior is problematic, but I probably wouldn't agree with you on what situations, or how often they occur. This was my biggest problem with PUA when I first heard about it. I found it horrifyingly offensive that men might take advantage of the security holes in my brain to get me to sleep with them. But...confident, suave men are attractive. If a man were "naturally" that way, then he's "just sexy," but if someone who didn't initially start out that way explicitly studies how to behave in an attractive manner, that's creepy.
Why? It's not like no one's ever allowed to try to get anyone to sleep with them, and it's not like I would favor a strict rule of a complete, explicit disclaimer explaining, "Everything I say is with the sole intention of convincing you to have sex with me." (Such a disclaimer wouldn't even be true, necessarily. Human interaction is complex and multi-faceted, and any given conversation would have multiple motives, even if one dominates.)
So what's the difference between a man who's "just sexy" and a "creepy PUA" who behaves the same way? (We'll ignore some of the blatant misogyny and unattractive bitterness among many PUA, because many women find the abstract concept itself creepy, with or without misogyny.)
I think it's the knowledge differential, which causes a very skewed power balance. The naturally confident, extroverted man is unconsciously playing out a dance which he never really examined, and the woman he's chatting up is doing the same. When this man is replaced with a hyper self-aware PUA, the actions are the same, but the woman is in the dark while the man can see exactly why what he says causes her to react the way she does.
It's like a chess game between Gary Kasporov and a guy who only vaguely realizes he's playing chess. Yes, it's unfair. But I think the more practical solution is not making Kasporov handicap himself, but teaching the other guy how to play chess.
I think the line between conscious and unconscious influencing of behavior is thinner and more fluid than you seem to say, more like a sliding scale of social self-awareness. And the line between manipulation and self-improvement is even thinner. What if I decided to be much nicer to everyone all of a sudden because I wanted people to like me? The brain is not a perfect deceiver; soon I'll probably fake it til I make it, and everyone's lives would be more pleasant.
In the end, I treat emotional manipulation (which involves changing one's emotional responses to certain behaviors, rather than telling people factual lies) the way I treat offense. It's just not practical to ban offending people. I think it's more useful to be aware of what offends us, and moderate our responses to it. In the same way, it's not possible to ban influencing other people's behavior without their explicit knowledge; the naturally sexy man does this just as much as the PUA does. It's possible to have a norm of taking the other person's wishes into account, and it's possible to study the security holes in our own minds and try to patch them up.
So if I can't avoid it, the next best thing would be to influence skillfully, not clumsily. In both cases, the other person's behavior is being influenced, and in both cases they are not explicitly aware of this. The only difference in the second case is that I know what I'm doing.
I think there is a difference. You're right that all our behavior has or can have a reinforcing effect on other people. But smiles, and frowns, and thank-yous and such aren't therefore just reinforcers. When I smile at someone, I express something like affection, and if I don'...
Part of the sequence: The Science of Winning at Life
Also see: Basics of Animal Reinforcement, Basics of Human Reinforcement, Physical and Mental Behavior, Wanting vs. Liking Revisited, Approving reinforces low-effort behaviors, Applying Behavioral Psychology on Myself.
Story 1:
On Skype with Eliezer, I said: "Eliezer, you've been unusually pleasant these past three weeks. I'm really happy to see that, and moreover, it increases my probability than an Eliezer-led FAI research team will work. What caused this change, do you think?"
Eliezer replied: "Well, three weeks ago I was working with Anna and Alicorn, and every time I said something nice they fed me an M&M."
Story 2:
I once witnessed a worker who hated keeping a work log because it was only used "against" him. His supervisor would call to say "Why did you spend so much time on that?" or "Why isn't this done yet?" but never "I saw you handled X, great job!" Not surprisingly, he often "forgot" to fill out his worklog.
Ever since I got everyone at the Singularity Institute to keep work logs, I've tried to avoid connections between "concerned" feedback and staff work logs, and instead take time to comment positively on things I see in those work logs.
Story 3:
Chatting with Eliezer, I said, "Eliezer, I get the sense that I've inadvertently caused you to be slightly averse to talking to me. Maybe because we disagree on so many things, or something?"
Eliezer's reply was: "No, it's much simpler. Our conversations usually run longer than our previously set deadline, so whenever I finish talking with you I feel drained and slightly cranky."
Now I finish our conversations on time.
Story 4:
A major Singularity Institute donor recently said to me: "By the way, I decided that every time I donate to the Singularity Institute, I'll set aside an additional 5% for myself to do fun things with, as a motivation to donate."
The power of reinforcement
It's amazing to me how consistently we fail to take advantage of the power of reinforcement.
Maybe it's because behaviorist techniques like reinforcement feel like they don't respect human agency enough. But if you aren't treating humans more like animals than most people are, then you're modeling humans poorly.
You are not an agenty homunculus "corrupted" by heuristics and biases. You just are heuristics and biases. And you respond to reinforcement, because most of your motivation systems still work like the motivation systems of other animals.
A quick reminder of what you learned in high school
What works
Example applications
For additional examples and studies, see The Power of Reinforcement (2004), Don't Shoot the Dog (2006), and Learning and Behavior (2008).
I close with Story 5, from Amy Sutherland:
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My thanks to Erica Edelman for doing much of the research for this post.