Btw, when I say "moral judgment" in all of the above, I don't mean "considered ethical injunction" but "conditioned responses of disgust or moral reproach, often at a semi-conscious or entirely unconscious level".)

It's the semi-conscious level that gets me. I have this voice in my head which keeps going "you stupid piece of shit". Sometimes it's "you stupid piece of shit, why don't you just kill yourself?", though that variant has become less common. I can tell it's in my head, but it doesn't feel like I'm doing it.

Doing something useful for myself is likely to trigger it. Since I'm likely to give in and give up, this means that my actual circumstances get worse. It also makes it hard to get to doing something like focusing, which can lead to more self-hatred for not being tough enough to just bull through the problem.

I don't treat other people like that. I know the voice is vicious and stupid.