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BlazeOrangeDeer comments on LW Women Entries- Creepiness - Less Wrong
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Why is that creepy instead of just shy?
I think people tend not to believe in shyness, unless you're actually blushing. I used to be shy (still am, depending on the situation). But when I talked about it with my classmates one day, it turned out they actually thought I didn't want to associate with them and was aloof because I felt superior to them. Nothing could have been farther from the truth...
In general people believe in explanations that involve them more than ones that don't involve them. "X doesn't like talking to people" is the x-is-shy explanation, while "X doesn't like talking to me" is the x-is-aloof explanation.
Huh. I've never thought about it in that way before, but I feel sure you're right.
I used to be shy but now I actually do feel superior to a lot of people and don't want to associate with them.
There are at least two possibilities: a) I've always been an elitist asshole but I used to rationalize it as shyness. b) I've always been shy and still am but now after overdosing on Robin Hanson and various meta-contrarian writers it flatters my self-image more to think of myself as having base and vain motives for everything.
There was a point at which I realized shyness was unattractive and started acting aloof to cover up shyness. It's a lot easier than than being friendly and high status.
This sounds testable. Do you find it harder to interact with more awesome people, or less hard? If it's shyness, I'd expect you to find it harder, because you're more intimidated, whereas if it's aloofness, I'd expect you to find it less hard, because you'd be more interested in them.
Yes. My System 1/elephant keeps forgetting that there exists such a thing as shyness,¹ and as a result it repeatedly misinterprets ‘[I like you, but I'm too shy to show you]’ as ‘[I don't like you, but I'm too polite to show you]’.
I certainly sympathize with being shy, as I used to be more shy, and tend to like shy people.
But consider the situation from the perspective of the person the shy person has desire for, but won't fully assert the desire for. The shy person seems interested. They're sort of approaching, but they don't make a move that you feel you could reject without seeming presumptuous. You're put in a position where either you escalate, or you live with an uncomfortable and unresolved situation.
I think that's a consistent theme across similar senses of creepiness. An unresolved discomfort with someone, perceiving a likely escalation on their part, where the removal of the discomfort at your initiative requires confrontation and potential escalation.
There's no crime to shyness, but one should be aware how your behavior affects other people.
Flip side, however, they didn't escalate because they already knew they'd be rejected, and don't want to potentially terminate the non-romantic friendship in pursuit of unrequited feelings.
Is escalation and subsequent rejection an improvement in the general case?