Don’t solve people’s problems for them

Declan Molony
Tue, 05 May 2026 00:02:26 GMT

In general, people don’t want you to solve their problems for them. Doing so strips them of their sense of self-efficacy, which is the crucial belief that they are capable of managing their own challenges.

Someone who ignores this precept, by lecturing or teaching others too much, can be called didactic.

My wisest friends are the opposite of didactic. They often withhold expressing their opinions when I’m discussing my problems, and instead help me figure things out on my own.

I will not give a person a boost or a start if he does not know the frustration of trying to [solve a difficult problem] or the frenzy one would get into when trying [to put an idea] into words. After I have shown a student one corner of a square, if he does not come back with the other three, I will not repeat what I have done. — Confucius, The Analects.

As any good teacher knows, you can’t just give students the answers to a test and expect them to learn anything. That’s efficient too easy.

If a skill is brought to a student, he will become complacent and imbibe very little. — Kapil Gupta

Minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled ill-conditioned state from mere excess of comfort. — Charles Dickens

For a muscle to get stronger, it must be stressed under tension. The mind is no different. Having to work to arrive at a solution is what stresses the mind and causes it to learn and grow. The didactic person (and I used to be one) doesn’t want to patiently help someone thoroughly examine their problems. They would rather dish out some quick advice, which robs people of the opportunity to think for themselves.

We confuse the practice of [learning] with ease of access to information and forget that real [learning] requires the exercise of effort. — Ian Leslie, Curious.

Of course, for simple questions like “where is the bathroom?”, responding with a sphinxlike riddle such as “the location of the bathroom will be revealed to you when you most need it” is funny not helpful. Simple questions (e.g., how to ride a bike, how to swing a tennis racket, how to play a piano scale) should be met with simple answers.[1]

But once we enter into the realm of more complicated questions that can have multiple answers, then it is best to guide someone to think for themselves.

No human being actually wants to be told what to do. There’s something within a human being which rejects the idea of being told what to do. — Kapil Gupta

If someone says, “I don’t know what to major in college,” and you reply, “Just major in French,” and clap your hands together and walk away self-satisfied, I will throw a croissant at you I would recommend doing what the wise do and simply ask the college-curious person a series of questions.

Practice really hearing what people say. Do your best to get inside their minds. — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.

This process I’m describing—where one person has a problem, and the other (wise) person asks them questions—it’s a game! The wise person knows that if they were to proffer advice, then they will have effectively stolen the other person’s turn, and are essentially playing the game by themselves at that point. Lame! How is the other person supposed to learn and grow if they don’t have a turn to think?[2]

So in a good and proper game, after somebody has brought a problem to the table, the wise person makes the first move by inviting their friend to think about the problem differently, or, to examine why they believe what they believe.

Note: the wise person truly does not know the answer to the other person’s problem. People know their own problems better than anyone else, sometimes they just get a little confused with everything going on in their heads and need help straightening things out. So asking leading questions is not helpful, and indeed, actually hinders the process of curiously and nonjudgmentally exploring the mind of the problem-haver.

"Kindly let me help you or you’ll drown,” said the monkey, putting the fish safely up a tree.

Sometimes doing good to others…is amazingly destructive because it’s full of conceit. How do you know what’s good for other people? — Alan Watts

Here’s an example of this game-dynamic I had with one of my friends recently.

Example of the game

My friend was struggling with whether or not to break up with his girlfriend. I had my own opinion on the matter, but rather than expressing it, I instead posed questions that forced him to think. And thus, the game commenced!

Me: “So, given all the information you’ve shared with me, do you want to break up with her?”

Friend: “Ugh, I don’t know. I love her, but there are some core differences between us that I’m not sure are reconcilable.”

Me: “Have you tried working on those differences together?”

Friend: “Yes, and she’s made some progress over the last year.”

Me: “A meaningful amount of progress, or a trivial amount?”

Friend, sighing: “A trivial amount…”

Me: “Assuming she continues to not change for you, can you accept her for who she is?”

Friend: “I’m not sure. I mean, I love her now and we make it work.”

Me: “Well, how ‘bout 30 years from now? Can you live with and accept those core differences for the rest of your life?”

Friend, wide-eyed: “I…don’t want to.” He thought quietly for several minutes. I patiently waited for him to process things. Then he continued, “Thinking about the long-term, I don’t think we would be happy together. We would probably be better off finding more compatible people to date. I’m glad that I’ve had her in my life, but I don’t think we're meant for each other.”

Benefits of this method

During this game, the answerer is the one trying to learn something, so they ought to be doing most of the work. And their reward is sometimes walking away with a new perspective on their problem.

Meanwhile, the questioner gets to explore their own curiosity with what they choose to ask. Even better, they get to watch their friend play with different ideas—a true delight!

Here’s a simple heuristic to remember this concept: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it think!

1. ^

Answers:

First, you have to lasso a wild bike, tame it, feed it lubricating oil, and then maybe it will let you ride it.

The swinging lifestyle isn’t for everyone, be sure you know what you’re getting into before you seduce a tennis racket.

Trick question! Pianos are not fish, they do not have scales.

2. ^

This is like playing video games with your little brother but secretly not plugging in his controller, all the while complimenting him, “Wow you’re doing so great! Keep up the good effort!” He's not going to improve when you do this.

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