but if you're defining intelligence in such a way that nothing actually satisfies that definition, what the heck are you achieving, here?

The no free lunch theorems imply there's no such thing as a universal definition of general intelligence. So I think general intelligence should be a matter of degree, rather than kind.

I'm not sure your criteria is all that useful. (And I'm not even sure it's that well defined, actually.)

It's not well defined, yet. But I think there's a germ of a good idea there, that I'm teasing out with the help of commenters here.