Alicorn comments on Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality discussion thread, part 19, chapter 88-89 - Less Wrong

12 Post author: Vaniver 30 June 2013 01:22AM

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Comment author: Alicorn 02 July 2013 12:32:42AM *  6 points [-]

I thought it was clever in a vaguely self-deprecating way. "I obviously have no way of knowing what that thing is, but I can be funny about it." This could probably be conveyed through tone - deadpan may be what you're looking for?

Comment author: Eliezer_Yudkowsky 02 July 2013 12:36:22AM 2 points [-]

That is a good writing suggestion. I will take it. Thank you.

EDIT: This isn't working when I try it:

"So," Harry said, "you know those really simple Artificial Intelligence programs like ELIZA that are programmed to use words in syntactic English sentences only they don't contain any understanding of what the words mean?"

"Of course," the witch said, her expression deadpan. "I have a dozen of them in my trunk."

"Well, I'm pretty sure my understanding of girls is somewhere around that level."

Makes it fall a bit flat for me compared to the original. Suggested rewrite? Or is it just me?

Comment author: Alicorn 02 July 2013 03:30:49AM 5 points [-]

Sometimes I use "deadpan" as a verb. "Of course," the witch deadpanned. "I have a dozen of them. In my trunk." (I think splitting the sentence may help.)

Comment author: Eliezer_Yudkowsky 02 July 2013 03:52:01AM 4 points [-]

I tried that one too. The problem I felt while reading it is that it... breaks up the humor? Like a THIS IS A JOKE sign?

Comment author: Alicorn 02 July 2013 03:58:28AM 10 points [-]

Well, if people keep getting lost on the way to the joke, a sign might be useful.

Comment author: chaosmage 05 July 2013 01:42:19PM 0 points [-]

If you do rewrite it, "said sensibly" might work better than "deadpanned".

Comment author: linkhyrule5 02 July 2013 02:23:08AM 1 point [-]

Just you, I think. My inner wordiness-filter is complaining that you only really need "said, deadpan," but aside from that it reads better to me.

Comment author: loserthree 02 July 2013 03:39:07AM *  0 points [-]

"Of course," the witch snarked amiably. "I have a dozen of them in my trunk."

(This revision is meant more as a suggested direction than a suggested destination.)

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