The Craft And The Community: The Basics: Apologizing

Ritalin

Now, it is said we all here pride ourselves on our intelligence, rationality, and moral sense. It is also said, however, that we are a fiercely independent bunch, and that we can let this pride of ours get the better of us. There have also been comments that the live communities that appear at meetups provide much more positive interactions than what goes on on this site's discussions; this might merit further investigation.

My point is; we've done a lot of research on how to do proper ethical and metaethical calculations, and on how to achieve self-empowerment and deal with our own akrasia, which is awesome. We've also done some work on matters of gender equality, which is very positive as well. But I haven't seen us do anything about the basic details of human interaction, what one would call "politeness" and "basic human decency". And I think it might be useful if we started tackling these, for our own sakes, that of those who surround us, and that of easing our mission along, which is, as I understand it so far, to save the world (from existential risk (at the hands of (unfriendly and self-modifying) artificial intelligence))).

What inspired me to propose this post was a video I just saw from Hank Green of the famed and fabled vlogbrothers. I hold these two individuals in very high esteem, and I would expect many here to share my feelings about them, on account of their values and sensibilities largely overlapping with ours; namely the sense that intelligence, knowledge and curiosity are awesome, and that intellectuals ought to use their power to help improve themselves and the world around them.

Here it is; I hope you enjoy it

I didn't get this impression; that is, the impression I got from the video wasn't "you should accept your interlocutor's perspective as the Only True Perspective" but "don't give Weasel Apologies."

Then I believe that you missed it. What you say was in the video (and I mentioned it), but the part about accepting the supposed victim's claims of being hurt as proof that you sinned (your "Only True Perspective" goes a bit too far) is there and is the backbone of the video.

The video's complete list of claims, in a brief form:

You will slip up, but when you've done something crappy, you have a choice: either apologize and regain your awesome, or be a fartbag.
Analogy: I stepped on your toe, you yell in pain, and I blame you for "standing everywhere".
Intent is irrelevant: "I understand you didn't mean to step on their toe, but you still did, and you caused it, so apologize".
Don't blame people for how they feel, blame yourself, you've caused it.
Do feel bad.
When apologizing, don't think you're asking for forgiveness.
Figure out what you did wrong, believe it, understand it, internalize it
Figure out why you did the hurtful things and provide context.
Don't just express sympathy, you have to accept the blame.
Tell people you won't do it again.
Don't think you're losing or that it's a zero-sum game. Apologizing is a sign of strength.
Do in fact change your behavior.

Points 2-4 basically set up the premise that someone's feelings being hurt by your words means you've done something bad and should apologize. You're not allowed to question the appropriateness of those feelings, and you're not allowed to introduce your intent. Your own moral judgement is never mentioned.

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The Craft And The Community: The Basics: Apologizing

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The Craft And The Community: The Basics: Apologizing

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