Calvin comments on Open thread for January 1-7, 2014 - Less Wrong

2 Post author: NancyLebovitz 01 January 2014 03:54PM

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Comment author: JayDee 03 January 2014 08:32:22PM 8 points [-]

Question about a low-level social thing:

I've noticed that I have low priority in at mid-large group conversations. What I mean is that in situations where I'm one of two people talking, I'm (generally) the one who stops and the attention of the "audience" (people-who-aren't-speaking) is predominantly on the other person even before I stop speaking.

This used to cause me considerable distress, but no longer. I've accepted it as a fact of the social universe. But I'm still curious and would like to change it, if possible.

I suspect that this is something that varies by social group, and more strongly suspect that some behavior of mine is key.

I'm interested in (being pointed to) discussion of this type of thing, especially if it contains actionable advice.

Comment author: Calvin 04 January 2014 01:31:45AM *  5 points [-]

I can't really offer anything more than a personal anecdotes, but here is what I usually do for when I try to grab attention of a group of my peers:

  • If you are talking to several people gathered in circle, and it is my turn to say something important, I make a small step forward so that I physically place myself in the center of the group.
  • When I am speaking, I try to mantain eye contact with all people gathered around, If I focus too much only on the person I am speaking to, everyone else turns their attention towards them as well.
  • I rarely do it myself, as I suppose it is a technique more tailored for public speeches, but conservative use of hand gestures to signify what you are talking about, probably won't hurt.
  • I probably sound like a self absorbed jerk writing this, but if I want the attention to focus on myself, and not my interlocutor I often use "me" language. Compare and contrast ["What you say about vegans is true, but you may conisder..." - now everybody looks at the person who said something about vegans] ["I think that I agree with what was said about vegans, but I also think..." - now everybody looks at me as I explain my position].

But those are all just little little tricks, when the surest way of attracting attention of the audience is simply to have something important and interesting to say.

Comment author: ChristianKl 05 January 2014 03:20:14PM 0 points [-]

I probably sound like a self absorbed jerk writing this, but if I want the attention to focus on myself, and not my interlocutor I often use "me" language.

While we are at that topic many people use "you" when talking about themselves. They say sentence like: "Yesterday I thought: You should go to gym."

I once even listened to someone who used "he" to when speaking about himself a few years ago. The language was German and he was an Austrian, but it still signified how little he identified with his self in the past.

After a bit of prodding he changed to "I". That also changed subtle things about his body language did change. It was interesting to watch the effect. Identifying with oneself helps to be more charismatic.

It's one of those nontrivial aspects of: "Just be yourself."

Comment author: JayDee 05 January 2014 05:58:23AM *  0 points [-]

Thanks. These are things I've learnt or tried learning in the past. I'd guess there are good odds that I'm reverting to past (shyer) behaviors in some situations.

I'll make an effort to be aware of my body language and focus next time.

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