Dealing with a Major Personal Crisis

Gunnar_Zarncke

This is the earlier promised post about Dealing with a Major Personal Crisis. Please continue reading there but comment here.

The reasons for posting it this way are explained at the end of the link. I hope this approach does what I want it to.

This is the earlier promised post about Dealing with a Major Personal Crisis. Please continue reading there but comment here.

The reasons for posting it this way are explained at the end of the link. I hope this approach does what I want it to.

In my view, marriage -- and love -- isn't about you. It is about honoring, protecting and encouraging another person, no matter what.

Exactly, in your view. Not only are there as many views on marriage as there are people who know of the concept (depending on how finely you granularize), but worse, those views aren't time invariant either. Should a precommitment override a person being miserable, as his/her stance on marriage changes? Each lost year never comes again, who are we to decide his former partner is in the wrong for pursuing her happiness over a loveless marriage?

Even regarding the negative consequences for others, there is much to be said about not staying in an unhappy marriage, e.g. not setting a bad example for the kids: an unhappy spouse who sticks around the "family business" will invariably make for an unhappy mother/father and for a bad role model regarding relationships.

she is plainly wrong here

Who cares? The blame game, while highly popular, has only marginal utility while doing a great deal of harm.

Assigning blame relies on vague and ill-defined fleeting societal ideas du jour (who "owes" whom what) and rarely ends up in anything but "at least, in my personal life story, I can keep on being my own hero".

Looks like they never had true chemistry, staying with him (after he "woo'ed" her) seemed like a rational choice in the bad sense of the word, like her heart wasn't in it. I'm glad for her that she found a spark again (even if it may be an infatuation), and at least he gets a chance to experience the same when it's genuinely reciprocated. We shouldn't confuse the resolution of a previously hidden (or ignored, overlooked) flaw with the creation of said flaw.

ETA: Interesting that Gunnar's own response mirrored this comment so closely (both were written simultaneously).

Hm. I notice we have very different ideas on this.

As a male in my early 30's, I've observed myself go through these iterations between commitment and freedom. I've got a strong grass-is-always-greener streak in me. When I'm with someone in a relationship, I can feel bored and discontent. When I'm single, I can feel lonely and unfulfilled. I know of many people who feel similar, to some extent.

My view is that it is wise to recognize this about our nature and make commitments accordingly. I see lifelong commitment as exactly that. It makes certain things pos... (read more)

2Gunnar_Zarncke12y

Along time ago we consciously noticed that and tried to work around it. And we saw some improvements. But not enough to counter her dissatisfaction. And surely not enough to counter infatuation esp. as it was mutual. [...] Now that I know much more about these processes I wonder how I can hack them such as to maximize the chance of finding someone to mututally fall in love with. And I mean genuinely. I tried to estimate the likelihood two 'random' people match in chemistry and 'infatuability'. I came up with numbers in the range of 1:20 to 1:150 for each and wonder about the correlation. As I carefully kept the ability to trigger feelings of infatuation (at least a psychophysical fragment of it) I hope that I can improve chances. Maybe I will write a post on that some time.

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