I've searched around on LW for this question, and haven't seen it brought up. Which surprises me, because I think it's an important question.
I'm honestly not sure what I think. One one hand, love clearly leads to an element of happiness when done properly. This seems to be inescapable, probably because it's encoded in our DNA or something. But on the other hand, there's two things that really make me question whether or not love is a good idea.
1) I have a very reductionist viewpoint, on everything. So I always ask myself, "What am I really trying to optimize here, and what is the best way to optimize it?". When I think about it, I come to the conclusion that I'm always trying to optimize my happiness. The answer to the question of, "why does this matter?" is always, "because it makes me happy". So then, the idea of love bothers me, because you sort of throw rational thinking out the window, stop asking why something actually matters, and just decide that this significant other intrinsically matters to you. I question whether this type of thinking is optimal, and personally, whether or not I'm even capable of it.
2) It seems so obsessive, and I question whether or not it makes sense to obsess so much over one thing. This article actually explores the brain chemicals involved in love, and suggests that the chemicals are similar to those that appear in OCD.
Finally, there's the issue of permanence. Not all love is intended to be permanent, but a lot of the time it is. How can you commit to something so permanently? This makes me think of the mind projection fallacy. Perhaps people commit it with love. They think that the object of their desire is intrinsically desirable, when in fact it is the properties of this object that make it desirable. These properties are far from permanent (I'd go as far as to say that they're volatile, at least if you take the long view). So how does it make sense to commit to something so permanently?
So my take is that there is probably a form of love that is rational to take. Something along the lines of enjoying each others company, and caring for one another and stuff, but not being blindly committed to one another, and being honest about the fact that you wouldn't do anything for one another, and will in fact probably grow apart at some point.
What do you guys think?
It is a real thing. You can find more detailed explanation on Married Man Sex Life blog, but essentially there are three things people can mean when talking about "love", and each of them is driven by a different set of chemicals.
a) obsession
b) closeness
c) sexual desire
The obsessive love is A + C, or sometimes just A. The mature love is B + C, with a smaller intensity of A returning shortly once in a while, usually when you break your stereotype in a good way, e.g. go together on an exotic vacation, or go dancing.
You probably already have the experience of B without C. It's what you feel towards good friends (the ones you feel safe with), family members, or perhaps your pet. And what you will later feel towards your children. The feeling increases if you touch someone in a non-sexual way (e.g. hug, or dance with), or if you look deeply in their eyes (assuming you already feel safe with them).
Now imagine this, in a high intensity (but only when you think about the given person, usually when you are with them, not obsessively all the time), with the sexual undertone. (The sexual undertone doesn't have to be there all the time; however its long-term absence is a frequent failure mode.)
To protect this mutual feeling: Act in a safe way; don't ever hurt the other person physically or verbally. Express your love verbally (no need to be dramatic, just make frequent casual nice remarks) and non-verbally (short but frequent affectionate touches and hugs). In nice circumstances, look each other in the eyes. Be sexual once in a while, but not all the time (send a message that both modes are great with you). -- Read this book about individual differences, because I described what works in my relationship.
Typical mistakes: Acting safe doesn't mean you should stop joking and teasing. Actually, you shouldn't; you just need to calibrate and stop immediately when it becomes inconvenient for the other person. Just because you feel safe with the other person, don't make them your psychologist. It's okay to share some of your problems, but don't put the whole burden on a single person, just because the person is there and it's convenient for you. (Specifically for men in heterosexual relationships: make your partner feel safe and loved even when she is not in a mood for sex; but don't let too many days in a row pass asexually, because her mind can switch to "I love him, but I'm no longer in love with him" and suddenly you are friend-zoned and/or waiting for a divorce. Sex is part of the package, even if it doesn't include penetration.)
There is a role of deciding here -- you have to decide to act in a way that allows this feeling to develop, and to refrain from acting in a way that would destroy it. But the feeling is emotional, chemical, you feel it, not just tell yourself that you have it. Maybe for people coming from healthy loving families the decision component is invisible, because that's how they behave naturally. If you were less lucky, you have to pay attention. It's probably good do understand it explicitly, anyway, to prevent a random screwup. Also, this is how your partner should behave, too... if they don't, tell them... if they don't bother to listen, unfortunately I have a bad news for you. The good news is there are other people out there. Sometimes people need time to learn, but usually that also includes a change of partner.
I think your classification is missing something. I've had close trusted friends I had sexual desire for (whether I acted on it or not) without wanting to date them. B, as lucidian suggests, probably contains more sub-components.
Because of this, I can't understand the rest of your post. Thanks for the advice; it's good, but not new.
Does a normal good relationship happen like so?: "You develop obsession and (possibly later) desire, then closeness, then the obsession fades." (I'm not sure many people agree that Mature Adult Love takes less than six... (read more)