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Lachouette comments on European Community Weekend 2014 retrospective - Less Wrong
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Reading when someone is uncomfortable while you hug them is an easier skill then reading it before you hug them. At the weekend Anne was walking around with the written word "cuddle" in addition to the free hugs sticker. I greeted her the first time with what was in her words more of a cuddle then a hug. I could feel that it was too much for the situation and I'm usually calibrated well enough that I don't act in a way that creates that reaction in another person. Enough for me to reduce the amount of physical contact that I initiated in later interaction with other people because I had the feeling that my automatic calibration skills were broken at that point.
A day later Anne came to me to give me feedback and she basically didn't tell me anything I didn't already knew myself. But in case I would have my own feedback loops, that feedback would probably have been quite valuable. Having an environment where it's possible to give that kind of feedback openly is very valuable.
Beforehand I hugged a few guys who I would categorise as someone who's system I says: "Hugging is at the rand of my comfort zone" and who's system II says: "I want to be hugged". For interaction with guys that usually means it's okay to hug them, especially for the rationalist crowd who think their system II is what matters. For male-to-female physical contact on the other hand you usually want that both system I and system II of the woman agrees to the physical contact.
Free hug sign itself don't tell you the line that tells you which intensity of physical contact is welcome and which isn't. They just tell you that you can hug the person. There still the possibility to have to much contact and walking around with the heuristic that you treat people based on their tags, reduces the amount one reacts to body language of other people.
That was one of the cases where my preferences were too nuanced for the keywords/stickers. I was fine with hugs from everyone, but would have preferred to be asked for cuddles first. And the long hug you gave me was, from my point of view, cuddling. It prompted thoughts like "Why is he the cuddling right away? Is he trying to initiate more than just friendly conversation? Should I get some distance between us to signal that I'm not interested?" and that made me uncomfortable though system II agreed that there wasn't any way you could have told that I would have preferred you to ask (before reading my physical reaction). Talking about it fixed that system I feeling of "needing to get some distance", so it's good that we did that. :)
Did you consider asking me whether your impression (that I was uncomfortable with the cuddling) was true, before I gave you that feedback?
(For clarity, where you say "Hugging is at the rand of my comfort zone" you mean "... at the edge of my comfort zone". It might not be obvious to non-German readers, so I'm pointing it out.)
No, in that case the observation was that you were getting tense was clear. I'm not sure whether I could told it visually alone on that day but with physical contact it was quite clear. Is it theoretically possible that you tell yourself in such a situation a story that makes it okay that you get tense when I touch you? Yes, but very unlikely.
There are cases in Salsa dancing where I dance with a woman who's a beginner. The woman might get a bit tense in close physical contact but tell herself a story that she's tense because she's a beginner and that's just part of being a beginner at Salsa. However even in those cases it's often good to give the woman a bit of space.
In general people often make up story to explain why they are feeling a certain way that don't really have much to do with why they actual feel what they feel. If you stimulate a neuron in someone's brain and that initiates an action, the person will still do his best to make a plausible story of why he engages in that action. The same goes for actions done because of posthypnotic suggestions. Even if the other person knows why they are reacting the way they do, there are often social reasons why the person might not want to share everything openly.
In your case your suggestion that you felt what you felt because you had a different expectation is interesting. If I act in ways that follow the expectations of other people surely makes it easier for them to model me and therefore easier to interact with me.
I don't see hugging primarily as a means to initiate something. The fact that it feels good is reason enough to do it. In that situation the next reason would be to be more associated with my own body.
I do have a bunch of male friends whom I great in that physical intensity so it doesn't even have much to do with the fact that you are woman.
Two years ago I did have a time where I pushed the boundaries in regards to trying to go as far as I can in regards to physical intimacy with woman. Today I'm far away from that perspective and I rather do what feels right in a specific moment.