VAuroch comments on Rationality Quotes September 2014 - Less Wrong

8 Post author: jaime2000 03 September 2014 09:36PM

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Comment author: VAuroch 05 September 2014 02:40:29AM *  1 point [-]

I disagree with you on 5; it works better as I am than I'm.

EDIT: Also, 9 works better as "I'm"

Comment author: Vulture 05 September 2014 01:21:44PM *  2 points [-]

Really? Huh. I'm counting from "I am the playing..." = 1, and I really can't read line 5 with "I am" so it scans - I keep stumbling over "animal".

Comment author: VAuroch 05 September 2014 07:48:00PM *  0 points [-]

I'm counting the same way. With stress in italics,

I am the an-i-mal but not the meat

sounds much better to me than

I'm the an-i-mal but not the meat

I should probably note that I read most of the lines with an approximately syllable-sized pause before 'but', and the animal line without that pause. The poem feels to me like it's written mainly in dactylls with some trochees and a final stressed syllable on each line.

Compare with

I am the play-ing, but not the pause

I'm the play-ing, but not the pause

I am the eff-ect, but not the cause

I'm the eff-ect, but not the cause

While I'm at this, how I read lines 9-11 as written

I am the waves, but not the sea

What-ev-er my sub-strate, my me is still me

I am the sparks in the dark that ex-ist as a dream

Which definitely break up the rhythm of the first half entirely, which is probably intentional, but particularly line 9 is awkward, which I didn't catch the first pass. If I was trying to keep that rhythm, I'd read it this way:

I'm the waves, but not the sea

What-ev-er my sub-strate, my me is still me

I'm the sparks in the dark that ex-ist as a dream

And be unhappy that "What'ver" is no longer reasonable English, even for poetry.

Comment author: therufs 06 September 2014 07:31:08PM 0 points [-]

"What'ver" is no longer reasonable English

Perhaps you want whate'er? It sounds a bit archaic, but not wrong.

Comment author: VAuroch 06 September 2014 10:55:06PM -1 points [-]

I don't know much about historical stress patterns, but when I pronounce "whate'er", the stress moves to the second syllable (wut-air), which doesn't improve things.