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NancyLebovitz comments on Where is the line between being a good child and taking care of oneself? - Less Wrong
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The Dysfunctional Family threads at Making Light might be another good resource for you.
I don't think your desire for better understanding and behavior from your mother is necessarily an irrational desire for her approval-- it's normal to want to have a good mother. On the other hand, it sounds like it's extremely unlikely that she will improve.