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therufs comments on Negative polyamory outcomes? - Less Wrong
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This isn't strictly related, but I was thinking about polyamory today and I was wondering something.
I've never experienced polyamory in real life, and while aspects of it seem cool, there's a major concern I would have with it. I feel like I would deplore a situation in which I have only one partner who in turn has multiple partners. I wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that I was getting the raw end of the deal, like I had been duped into becoming a willing participant in a sort of public systematic cuckoldry.
Given that fact, I feel like any polyamorous relationship with a "primary" would be a constant battle of sorts to ensure that I have a greater than or equal to number of dating prospects as my partner. But as a man (the username is a dumb joke), I feel like this battle would be stacked against me, as women tend to have an easier time finding dates. I imagine that this is doubly true in a rationalist community where the men probably outnumber the women by a significant amount.
I'm not sure if feeling this way says more about polyamory, or my own selfishness and insecurities. Anyway, I would be interested in hearing from polyamorous people if this is an issue that ever comes up, and if so, how it's dealt with.
I'm a little confused by what this implies. Are you observing that it's easier for women to initiate dating activities (plausible), or that women go on more dates than men (but while some women date each other, most don't)?
Of course, women (and men) dating each other aside, women as a whole go on the same number of dates as men; however, this does not imply that the same number of women go on a nonzero (or non-low) number of dates as men. This would imply that a small fraction of men are dating a large fraction of women.
Hmm. It'd be my guess that this effect diminishes as the number of dates/length of relationship increases; what do you think?
Depends on the cause.
If it's because the "small fraction of men" is just really talented at getting dates, the effect would diminish, because they just don't have the time to be in ten times as many long-term committed relationships as anyone else.
But the same effect occurs, as an earlier post points out, in any subgroup in which there is a majority of men and a minority of women. Then, if all the women are out on a date, only a fraction of the men are, by virtue of the pigeonhole principle. In this case, I don't think anything changes if we look at longer-term relationships.
Empirically, it is generally easier for women to find potential partners willing to date them than it is for men; this isn't necessarily useful to them unless their standards are low-ish, but if they're willing to sacrifice date quality, it's a tradeoff that's much easier for them to make.
This is massively exacerbated by the gender imbalance present in most fields that have a significant rationalist following, obviously.
I'm curious about the extent to which rationalists have a strong enough preference for dating within the rationality community that they exclude non-rationalist potential dates.
Or, in another framing, to what extent the preference for a rationalist date outweighs other considerations, to the extent that not dating a non-rationalist is preferable to dating a non-rationalist.
That may depend heavily on what one means by "rationalist" in this context.
That wasn't central to my point; I mean that in the fields where most rationalists spend their time, there's a significant gender imbalance. Even if you're totally willing to date non-rationalists, by default the people you meet will be heavily imbalanced unless you're specifically cultivating social circles not related to rationality or your profession.