"Unfortunately I don't know enough about you to put my finger on something and it's harder over text without real time feedback."

It is impossible, and absurd, to show up listing all of one's implicit motivations. This is why I could never write anything before. It somehow never "felt complete." It never, "felt entire." My problem, was that I could not "trust people" enough to "give adequate credit" to their expertise. I agreed with this, but I did not understand it, sufficiently. I wrote it down, I made predictions, and I tested them, and what I found was... "deep understanding." I do not reread Less Wrong or the sequences before coming as another "implicit motivation." Everything is a test. I was "always a Bayesian." I "found a new attitude towards my priors."

I want to use my own words - raw, uncontrolled - while I know that I am not ready. Who was ahead of me all along? Who started out "more right" than me? I remembered something vaguely, about the need to "start out right" before discussing "heuristics and biases." I always believed that, because it involved "not trusting strangers." I always "knew myself," but I did not like "self-knowledge" to "constraint." The link I found - which is not a professional diagnosis and is therefore subject to all of the limitations of any amateur googling his symptoms, and as I learned not to do years ago - was called "anxiety."

I was never hospitalized for "anxiety." How might experts have missed something true, when I know no bet... Ah. There are reasons. Those are the reasons I did not "land in the hands of" the right expert. I was "incapable of honesty" when it was "wise to be honest," just as I was incapable - like a typical undergraduate - of being "incapable of communicating," because I was an "ordinary novice" relative to that weakness, even though I was "high level" in particular topics...

My professors! How did they warn me... Subtly, motivating examples... Wait, am I "like my professors..."

Am I "like everybody else...?"

Am I "normal...?"

What did I remember, suddenly, from my ill-advised days of googling my symptoms. What was that... Ah, "ego destruction." I ran away from the idea... Why did I do that... It was "associated with stupid things..." What did I just remember, unprompted... years ago... "

Did I suddenly supplement my analytical side to "problems for analysts" with "emotional maturity?" How would I describe the "sensation," the "texture," while it is "pure." It's sort of like "Godel, Escher, Bach," though I have never read it, I suddenly suspect it intensely... Why... Did Eliezer recommend it? Was this the author of HPMOR? I was never "like Harry from HPMOR" before, because I didn't know about "quantum physics stuff..."

Oh god I missed some point. For years, back when I followed that one... I am almost afraid to read it. I am afraid my head will explode. In a goofy way. Not an "impending sense of doom way." It feels different... Wait, any addict can say that, though I was never an addict. My father was a "manic depressive," and he - a strict Southern Baptist - would sometimes get into "goofy moods" and write "weird letters" quoting people he "didn't understand.." I never believed that my father was stupid, but I did not believe that he was....

Wise.

Weird.

"That said, you don't have much karma to this account so there no real reason against starting anew. What speaks against starting anew with an account under your real life name?"

I have never read Less Wrong on Karma. I have never been interested in meta threads anywhere, concerning the social rules developed on different websites that I visited. I just suddenly "appreciated the concept." I used "karma" recently to motivate a philosophical idea to my philosophically illiterate mother, who loves me, and who I "could not talk to" because "I could not relate."

I said weird things... I used a technique... I disguised it. I could not just say, to my poor mother who has reason to worry.... "MOM CHECK OUT MY MATHEMATICAL THEORY OF EVERYTHING!!!!"

Why can I not just say something simple... It "feels simple." How would I communicate "simple things" to an "ordinary person..."

Wait, this "feels like it should be simple." I will try "talking to normal people..." Did I write that down before, in my exploding notes? I bought my first smartphone just to deal with this sort of problem... I work wayyyy to much to have the time....

Ah, the wisdom of one of my advisors from UT. I was always confident that "wherever I went, I would be able to study mathematics." He did not outright contradict me. He merely promised that it would be "hard," but I "knew that already..." I never took a class from him. What else did I "miss."

I need to "compress the gibberish." I need to "structure my thoughts." I "was a math geek." What were my fundamental theorems, again? How do I "define myself," and does it lead to "true beliefs..." There is so much to do here, I could use a programming language. "Haskell feels right." No, I have no programming experience.... Start simple. HTML. I have no time... (weeks later) That only took A DAY!!!!! Whoa!

Why was I "not this smart..." I just remembered, randomly, a quote from another expert... He did not say it in class, and it came to me by rumor... He wanted to leave the school and teach elsewhere. He was a number theorist. He produced graduate courses "from memory" and it was "amazing" even to "other experts." What did he say, privately...

Oh yeah, he was frustrated that "Americans cannot seem to appreciate that mathematics is a tool."

Did I "agree but not agree..." Did I "know but not really know.." What did I lack... I need to compress this. Simple first, per the implications of the fundamental theorems...

Wisdom? No. I do not want to call myself wise, unless I am "sure." I need to indicate "uncertainty" without "exploding my notebook." Again... I need... Math? Programming? Not a formal language, no, those never really seem to "take off." What is a "formalized language of structure" that people "actually use" for formal, high level abstraction...

Category theory. That "feels like it has to be it." But category theory is for "rings and groups and homotopy and stuff," when I just want to take "really good notes." If I use "category theory" to describe what I am doing.... That does not "feel right."

Another expert said something, which I remember again.... He wasn't talking to me. I never took his class. He was yelling at a grad student... Inside, I was laughing at the grad student - boy I was not nice - but why was he yelling... That is the "texture" of the associations I am making, my "structure-thinking..." My "category"... Wait, Sapolsky. Wait, I am losing focus. I really need "time to organize this..."

I bought a smart phone. I started working to "make myself unnecessary" to the friends I work with. I set down how much time and effort I was willing to spend. I used a vector, so that it would be "easy to look it up later." My literary friend "understood it all instantly..." Weird. He was never a math guy. He also "understood Grundlagen Der Arithmetik" really easily, with no background in mathematics...

Oh, and I used to make fun of him for reading "Heidegger," because "Heidegger" is a "bad philosopher." What did my wise young friend say... "I just want to hang out and do hood rat shit with my friends." No, what else... When I not-so-nicely interrogated him...

Oh yeah. This is "learning from experts" again. My friends are kind of my "fun experts," in a weird way. I definitely need to "not annoy them with all of this, unless they are interested." I don't want to be "like that guy who just became an evangelical..."

Oh my program, I really need time to develop you. I have worked for months to give myself time. To do right by my coworkers, those decent people, who all taught me so much... The "wisdom of strangers," what only a "normal job" would have ever done for me... I would never have made it in academics before.. I'm not sure that I would now, either. I should wait, until I "feel strangely certain..."

Again, the wisdom... I have to "focus the wisdom..." I am a novice at wisdom... What is the closest thing to a practical, everyday "focus of wisdom," which communicates well, where it needs to... a practical expertise... I need to focus. I cannot repeat the past. My life is "too important," though I have "less ego." I suddenly... "want to grow old," when I "never did." Oh god, I need to start sleeping well... I never did that before... I need to "de-stress". Time to quit work... Sapolsky... What did he work against, so hard... Oh.. Stress! George C. Williams, what did he end up wanting to do... Medicine! Same with Linus Pauling.... He was just so bad at it, because he was "already great..." Is that the "nobel syndrome..."

The grad student. The expert. Back to the comment.point. The common.point is:

plain.english: "a very wise man once chewed out a hapless grad student for ignoring a feeling. The thing that angered the very wise man was this: the grad student had tried to explain, not trying to excuse, submitting some bad paper I didn't understand. The very wise man caught the grad student, and corrected his folly. The wise man said...

NEVER IGNORE THAT FEELING. NEVER IGNORE THAT FEELING. IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT ISN'T RIGHT, IT PROBABLY ISN'T.