Elo comments on Open Thread, Jun. 29 - Jul. 5, 2015 - Less Wrong

5 Post author: Gondolinian 29 June 2015 12:14AM

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Comment author: Sithlord_Bayesian 30 June 2015 07:09:59AM *  9 points [-]

In the spirit of asking personally important questions of LessWrong, here goes. Please be gentle with me.

Related:

Discussion post by another user on being raised by narcissists

r/RaisedByNarcissists

My parent always had a number of narcissistic traits, but was never a full-blown narcissist. They (singular) supported me financially and always seemed to legitimately care about how well I was doing academically and professionally. However, they had a habit of lowering my status by verbally critiquing my actions, and sometimes made odd demands of me, such as demanding that I share some of my passwords with them, or demanding that they be present every time I go to the doctor (I'm 25).

Right now, I think that I'm either going to severely limit contact with my parent, or cut contact completely. I think that cutting contact completely is likely to be more pleasant and easier on me, but I'm really not sure about that yet. I've had a few family members tell me that I'm obligated to keep in touch with my parent. Since LW is my in-group, and since I share lots of values with the kind of people who tend to post here, I'd prefer to get advice here, rather than elsewhere. Specifically, I'm not sure if I have a familial obligation to remain in contact with my parent, given that they've only been somewhat emotionally abusive to me; it's probable that they don't even realize/ are incapable of realizing that I find their treatment of me to be hurtful. Do you think that I have any such obligation?

Complicating factor: if maintaining a good relationship with my parent might slightly increase the amount I expect to be able to donate to effective charities at the cost of (in expectation) making me less happy, does this change my obligations?

Comment author: Elo 02 July 2015 04:29:10PM 1 point [-]

I actually see this in my parent; when relating to their parent. My parent still talks to their parent regularly, a lifetime ~45+ years of critical treatment later.

There are two concerns:

  1. The world is a darker place with no parent at all. The day they are gone; is the day you wished you asked them for their advice on something more. (or that seems to be the sentiment from many)
  2. you need to prioritise your happiness. The parent (while being their own person) wants the best for you. Unfortunately that might mean what is not best for that parent.

I'd like to congratulate you for noticing the problem and identifying it. This step was not easy; but by doing so you make things entirely better from here on in.

I believe there are several good solutions to this problem and several more mediocre or bad solutions.

With puzzles that I personally encounter that involve the different perspectives of different people (which I find this problem to be - your perspective VS your parent's perspective); I find that they can sometimes be solved by folding the puzzle in on themselves. i.e. ask the person of problem (parent) to solve the puzzle for you by clearly sharing the perspective (sometimes via Socratic questioning). You are inside the problem but you can step outside and attack the problem from outside. (its not easy; but I offer my suggestion for you to try).

A technique I would suggest for approaching the problem head on (if you choose to). Develop a spreadsheet, of interactions with the person. consider adding;

  • Date, time
  • Subject of the interaction
  • Either a rating of the interaction (1-10) or a simple scale (positive, negative, neutral)

To do this is to generate evidence. With evidence you can pre-commit to an action given certain evidential findings. i.e. move far away if you find a 10 negative to 1 positive or worse ratio. The second benefit of evidence is it can assist in (as above) folding the problem on itself. By showing an entirely valid perspective, evidence cannot be discounted in the same way an opinion can be (I said, you said, they said, etc evidence).

I would give some weight to a middle-solution. Limited contact (although that may mean you get one day a month of hell-by-critical-parent),

I believe this is a hurdle we must face; overcoming the situations we are burdened by our parents.

Good luck! (happy to add more if you want more clarity on these suggestions)

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