As far as I can tell, none of the "health" results are about the patient's health, only carrier status relevant to potential children.

That's my understanding as well. New customers can't get the old health reports despite this tiny opening:
https://reason.com/blog/2015/10/21/fda-takes-one-regulatory-shackle-off-23a

Although earlier users (like myself) still have access to their health reports, I suspect 23andMe isn't putting the same effort into them since they could no longer market them and give them to new customers.

The author responds in comments:

I: There is a possible workaround. 23andMe will still supply you with your raw test results which you can then load into Promethease. To see what Promethease results look like click on over to SNPedia to view my frequently updated genetic testing report.

I use the Promethease report service. It's probably better than what 23andMe is giving, though I expect in a free world 23andMe could do much better with all the genomes available and a customer base interested in sharing information and getting diagnosed.